You Could Freeze the Brass Balls of Monkeys

It’s Brass Monkeys Out there! – And some Cockney Slang too.

I have often heard the phrase – its as Brass as Monkeys out there! A little like Cockey Rhyming Slang can have more than one meaning and not a lot of people really know what you are going on about unless you understand Slang. For those of you that don’t heres my own break down as to what means what as mastered to me by my dear East End Father! J

Most Slang has the full phrase and then the abbreviated version, i.e., Ouch, me poor Plates (My feet are sore). How you ask? Plates of Meat Rhymes with Feet so Plates + Feet

Apples & Pears = Stairs
Dog & Bone (Dog) = Phone
Horse & Cart = Fart
Trouble & Strife = Wife
Brahms & List = Pissed – I was a bit Brahms last night
Barnet Fair (Barnet) = Hair
Mechant Bank (er) = W*nk(er) / Merchant Bank (W*nk)
Pony & Bit (Pony) = S*it
Donald Duck = (Im sure you can work that one out)
Mickey Mouse = House
Rub a Dub Dub = Pub
Mutton Jeff (Mutton) = Deaf
Farmer Giles = Piles

Apparently its as Brass as Monkeys is from the full phrase, Its so cold you could freeze the balls off Brass Monkeys! A little like everyone says “Feed a Cold & Starve a Fever, when in fact the phrase is “if you feed a Cold you will have to Starve a Fever”. I learnt that all in Florida too? Werid eh?

If I can think of more later I will add them but there you go, Cockney Rhyming Slang 101. Apparently it all started in the Prisons so that the inmates could talk without the guards knowing what they were talking about and you find it carried over into every day slang in the UK. Most people will know a little bit and use it in daily speech.

Am up at the crack of dawn once again, its one thing to have to get up at this unearthly hour of 5AM but to have to defrost the car off too is a liberty at 5am. Thankfully, this time tomorrow I will be just hours away from flying to Miami. A six day Annual Pilgrimage to the Malls in America and to do a big Christmas Shop. Watch out Girls the S.L.A.G.S. are coming – and for those of you not from Vauxhall, S.L.A.G.S is the South London Action Girls Society! J

I’ve currently got 185,000 Virgin frequent flyer miles and am so tempted to use some to upgrade from Premium to Upper Class. I was just saving them for a free trip to Sydney! We will see. Maybe if I don’t use them I will get bumped up anyway?

Not been a bad year for Holidays all in All. I went to Rio for 9 Days for Carnaval in February (too short a trip for Rio), had a 4 day break in Portugal in May. Did Pamela’s Wedding (Pamela Anderson, no kidding, that’s her real name now) in Salt Lake combining it with my now 4th Annual trip to meet Janet in Las Vegas (Love Vegas Baby) and a stop over at San Francisco to see Ed & Jason. And then nothing from September till now. South Beach won over New York City as the accommodation was so expensive. Whats that then? Four Trips, not bad I spose. But then that’s why I am a Lucky Bitch init? And it certainly feels like I have hardly had a break. Work Hard and play Hard, that’s my Motto.

Guess now I have bought a house the trips will stop a bit – Yeah Whatever! Like my friend Marcus Says, (Mr Chops), if you don’t take these breaks you wouldn’t be able to work so hard when you get back cos you are so tired. That’s our excuse anyway and where sticking to it! J

Your only 32 Dear

Your only 32 Dear

Ok, so I am only 32, I don’t care. At least I am not one of these who lies about my age on Gaydar! I am 32 and that’s what I am.

The week has about taking it out of me, I don’t feel like I am 32 at all I feel 62.  Still, at least I have a few days off now.  

My Mentor, Angela Brown (Love you babes) said to me that to do your job properly you should only have to work 3 or 4 days per week.  Any more than that and you are over stretching yourself.

Well I guess I have over stretched myself cos man do I feel Tired after a week of these five am starts. Its not like I start that early or anything but if I don’t get up at five I cant get there in time thanks to the traffic.

Finished work last night and went around to Carlos’s flat. (I used to share a flat with Carlos).  We had some dinner, watched a DVD, and then I slept, I slept from midnight through to 2PM this afternoon. Im so tired now I swear I could sleep for a week.

Five days until I go to Miami. Cant wait, Sun, Sea, Sand, Shopping and relaxation, a world away from England. Roll on Miami, Watch out South Beach !

Early Bird Catches the Worm

Friday 25th November 2005

If the early bird catches the worm I wanna a blooming big bird for my catch! I have been up at 0500 every day for the past week. Its now 550 am and I shall brave the cold and face the M25 for the last time this week. Why in London does it take 90 minutes to travel around the outskirts of a city and travel just 45 miles? Madness. So forget the worm, I want a huge snake for five days of these starts or as Helen Puts it, Stupid O’Clock. Thank goodness that I don’t have to work late.

Went into Gaydar Towers last night again. Neil Sexton is such a star and met some of the other DJ’s too including, Yannick Lawry, Gary H & Robin. I had a prize that the lovely people at Molton Brown had donated. If anyone goes to their Fenchurch street store and mentions GAYDAR they get a 10% discount on all of their purchases prior to Christmas! Neil will be giving the gift away in December as a Christmas prize – stay tuned at Prime Time.

His off on his holidays as of today which means I shan’t be back on the air for a while. Not until Miami for sure. In talks with Neil about a phone in live from South Beach! J I feel like roaming reporter Kermit the Frog.

One Month today is Christmas Day, are you ready?

The Village Idiot loses his car keys

The Village Idiot loses his car keys

I don’t think it can honestly be good for you living out of the Urban lifestyle.  All of that country air must be getting to me and I’m starting to act like a country bumpkin once again.

Having spent the past 8 years living in either London or Cardiff with my work being spilt between London, Manchester, Birmingham & Dublin I am used to big cities.  The constant need to watch your back walking down a street, making sure that your windows and doors are locked shut and that you don’t leave anything valuable on display. Common sense.   Well the country air must be getting to me.  Either that or the 5 AM Starts are causing me to loose my common sense.   I was up at five, at the office near Heathrow by 6:45am and worked until 4pm getting to my dear friend Kenton’s House in Ruislip North West London at just after 5pm.  We chatted for ages and I went out to collect the last of my bits from the care around 830pm.  

When I was ready to leave for the office at 0730 the following morning I couldn’t find my car keys anywhere.  Had Sparky (the dog) moved them? Had they fallen in my bad. I have them living on a huge neck chain that is bright blue & yellow to help me find them easily.  After 20 minutes I was at my wits end, where were the bloody things.

I had one last idea, check the car, I cant have left them out there can I?  There was my car outside on the road where I left it and in the window a note.
“Dear Owner
Your keys were found left in the side of the door and have been taken to Uxbridge Police Station.  You can contact the Station on telephone xxx”

I was so embarrassed.  By now it was 0820am and I was likely to be late for work so had to get a Taxi to the office and came back to collect the keys from the station later in the evening.  How could I be so stupid?  It must be the crack of dawn mornings affecting my concentration span that late in the evening.  If that had been anywhere else in London I am sure my car would have been stolen! Proves there are a few good citizens left in the world eh?

Neil Sexton Gaydar Radio

I dont often slag people off and at the same time dont have good reason to say great things about people but Neil Sexton of Gaydar Radio, I take my hat off to you. Daily you entertain, provide gossip, news and great music and yet ask nothing in return.

I love the station an email in comments and you always find time to respond to them and yet even thought I have met you buy once, think you are an incredible man and take my hat off to you.

In the words of Abba - thank you for the music, fun times and being a top buy.

Fondest wishes

VC x

Insomnia

It doesn’t seem to matter how early I have to get up in the mornings I never seem to be able to get to sleep. INfact it seems that earlier that I actually have to be up the less sleep I will get.

Knowing that this morning (Monday 21st November) I would have to be up at 0500 to leave the house by 0600 I thought I should be in bed by 11 and lights out by 12.00. Why was I then, despite two Nyteol One a nights tablest (Double Dose) was I still wide awake at 0200 and again at 0400! So having had just two hours sleep I made my way down to the completely frozen over car.

I don’t understand Anti Freeze Screen Wash. It may not freeze in the water tank but it sure freezes in the pipes up to the windshield. Thankfully I used one of my favourite winter tricks to expediate my departure – 3 sheets of a used newspaper on the windshield the night before. Worked a dream and despite the freezing cold start its making it all frosty outside and thus Christmas like.

I’m feeling totally Christmassy actually and I am one of these people that puts up his Christmas decorations the day that the Halloween stuff comes down. After all you pay enough for it and it has to come down by 12th Night, may as well enjoy them for as long as possible. Top Tip on Decorations. Buy them in January at over half price! You will use them year after year.

Had quite a fabulous weekend actually. Friday evening I was invited to the Theatre by my good friend Marcello. His friend was in a show and he had two tickets. What a surprise, it was held in St. Peters Italian Church in Clerkenwell, London. A huge Rome Style church covered in paintings on the ceiling much like the 16 Chapel in Rome. It was stunning. At the front by the Alter they had built a stage and a massive orchestra Pit. The Show was Andrew Lloyd Webber & Tim Rice’s Jesus Christ Superstar. The acoustics in the church made the orchestra often louder than the performers but it was a great production – thoroughly enjoyed it.

Slept over at Marcellos and headed into the West End Saturday after late Brunch to do a spot of Birthday & Christmas Shopping and get in the festive mood. You just cant beat a Gingerbread Latte from Starbucks to beat the cold on a frosty day. I love the shops in the west end but on a Saturday its like Gay Hell on earth. Thousands of people from London & the home counties panicking that there are only 36 days until Christmas. The Oxford Street lights now lit up and putting everyone in a festive mood. I used to trek the streets like everyone else but have 3 simple places I shop for Christmas now.

1) Shop Early & a Bluewater – How can you go wrong, Europe’s Biggest Shopping Mall, Climate Controlled and you can drop your shopping back at the car when you have too much to carry. Early – Its open till 9 or 10 pm every day – why wait until 2 weeks before Christmas?
2) Shop abroad – I book a trip to the States with my mate Mikey every year – we hit the American Malls where things are far cheaper and you can find a better choice of goods that you cant find in the UK. Last year we did Boston but decided that Miami would be a far nicer climate this year.
3) Shop at Selfridges – Its just got everything. They may be slightly more expensive than online shopping but you can get everything under one roof. From Books to Beauty, Electrical to Wines & Champagnes. There is a car park around the back too and tons of places to eat. Its my final Christmas one stop Shop!

And No – I am not getting paid to promote this!

Saturday evening was Mikey’s Birthday party in Lewisham with the usual mixture of horny boys invited to make us all lust after. Stayed until midnight and made my way down to XXL. London’s alternative Club for larger guys, bears, cubs & their admirers! The music was stomping and nice and light to dance to, the boys hot and friendly and I even pulled. So you cant knock that for a good night eh ? The drinks were cheaper than most clubs too and it was only £10 to get in or £7 for members. I actually think I should get a free membership. Especially as last night I was plugging them on my usual spot on Gaydar Radio. Live on the air with Neil Sexton. His so fab, I only really know him from chatting on the air, emailing the studio and calling in for All Request Hour! Now that I have my own Jingle (The Good, the Bad & the Ugly) and Catchphrase “Yeeeehaw” I go on more and more often! Its all unpaid – but just a bit of fun.

Didn’t end up leaving XXL until almost 5am and got home around 530am. Thank goodness the heating was still on, everything was white and winter like. Had planned on going to the RVT (Best hang out on a Sunday afternoon) but on awaking at 1500 I guessed it was too late. It would have been 5 by the time I got to the Tavern. Lazy day chatting with friends on the phone or MSN and just getting some rest. Ill need it today, after only having had 2 hours sleep. Roll on Miami.

Booze, Sweat, Steam & DTPM

FRIDAY

I think I drink too much. I never used to touch alcohol at home but these days I can quiet easily drink a bottle or two of wine at home on my own! Woops. So after a fairly large drinking session in order to help me get to sleep on Thursday I was going to take it easy on Friday. I had a 5am start so the Red Wine did help.

Finished work, drove half way around the M25 and then arrived at Steph’s just before 5pm. Steph and I have worked together for years but really got to know each other on a trip to Vegas for our friend Georgi’s 40th Birthday. Tough life init – Vegas was fabulous in Mid March – We somehow hit it both at Spring break and during a heat wave and temperatures were a fabulous 106 degrees (F). Steph and I enjoyed time at the pool together and then learnt to play craps on a very early drinking session in the Casino. But the cocktails are free while you are playing so you cant refuse can you? It would surely be rude?

We chatted, opened some wine and chatted some more. At 3 am after dinner and 4 bottles of Pinot Grigio we finally retired. Memo to me, White Wine gives you a funny head. I never get that drunk on red. Must be the acid or something. But a fun night.

Some people are mad. I don’t know about you but if you are hungover do you;
a) have a hearty Fry up and lounge in PJs all day
b) Cranberry Juice, Loads of Water and a slice of Toast
c) Coffee & hit the gym to burn if off

Steph had me down at the gym and on a treadmill on an empty stomach!

SATURDAY

After doing all I could at the gym and trying to force down some scrambled eggs on Toast I made my way home pass the masses going to both Bluewater and Lakeside (Shopping Malls). Why would you sit in a line of traffic 5 miles long to get into a Mall? I just don’t understand? Its open every day until 10pm and is never nearly as crowded? Why go when its packed solid? Must be a British thing. They say we have a requirement to queue.

Vegged online and watching TV all day. Now this is what I call relaxing.

SUNDAY

I had met a guy online about 4 months ago when I first moved to Essex. Paul. He had wanted to meet up since we met online but what with work commitments and his DJ-ing at the weekends it never happened. But we had arranged to meet at Chariots Waterloo (A distinguished Gentleman’s Health Spa – NOT!) But lets say it’s a Roman Spa with Steam, Sauna, Pools, Jacuzzis and the like and hundreds of Hot Men. Well it does get hot in a sauna does it not?

Paul was really sweet but had to leave around 7 to meet a friend but I stayed a while longer and bumped into another friend Jamie there. As the clock approached 11pm I was split. Do I go home or go to DTPM?

After coming out I literally lived at DTPM week after week. The most fabulous and upmarket club in London. I’d not been in 18 months since concentrating on my career and leaving my party days behind me. I had forgotten how fabulous it used to be. How many gorgeous boys went and how good the music is there. Almost as good as what they play on Gaydar Radio. Well as a Gaydar Radio Ambassador I have to do what I can promote the Station. I guess its something that I am passionate about! Great Music, fun funky and gay DJ’s and the best music on the airwaves. I have often called in for the all request hour with Neil Sexton, Sunday to Thursday at 1800 GMT. But since becoming Ambassador I do it more frequently and now have my own Jingle for the Vauxhallcowboy. Wanna hear it? Tune in anywhere on the planet at http://www.gaydarradio.com/ or Sky Channel 908.

Oh and if you see the Cowboy out and about (Me) Give a Friendly Yeehawwwww or Howdi.

Queer as Folk

Queer as Folk

There is nought queer as folk, or so they say, which is odd considering that the TV show represents my life more than any other television program I have ever watched. I have Marcus (Chops) to thank for introducing me to Season one. Now if you are British you are going to say “I prefer the English Version” – No you won’t. Admittedly, Season one is literally exactly the same but made in 2001 rather than 1997 and the Americans changed the names and made a season a massive 25 episodes. This led into my flat mates and myself basically sitting down for a full 20 hours to watch it one run. Why? Because it is the most addictive television I have ever seen. Carlos and I would sit and laugh, sit and cry, speak our minds “You surely can’t show that on television”. But they did.

It’s a life I once lived and still do to a part. Carefree, Fabulous, different, proud to be out and gay.

If you have not yet seen it I urge you to, if you have, why not do this quick quiz which tells you which character you are most like.

Characters as I see them;

Brian – You’re a Tart with a heart
Michael – You are what we all seek in a best friend
Justin – Sexy, sweet and just a ray of sunshine
Emmett – You touch my heart in every show and of all the characters I love you best
Debbie – Everyone’s favourite Mum
Lynsey & Melissa – Showing that its cool to be a Lesbian too (Why is there such a huge separation between Lesbians and gay men?)
Ted – Just trying to fit in without the good looks of the younger boys and yet incredibly smart – Ted makes all the mistakes I seem to blunder on too.


Heres the result of my quiz; er, says it all really eh?

You are Brian Kinney. "The stud of Liberty
Avenue," you do what you want, when you
want. Your motto is "no apologies, no
regrets" and you live life to the fullest,
even if it means stepping on the feelings of
others to get your way. Despite this however,
you do love those who deserve it, although you
have strange ways of showing it. You can't do
anything halfway, and believe people should get
what they deserve, no more, no less.


Which Queer as Folk character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Guy Fawkes Lucky Bitches 2005

Ok so it may have been 400 years since the day that Guy Fawkes tried to blow up parliment, I just dont get it? We celebrate this? Its not like its 400 years since I tried to blow Robbie Williams!

Still spent the night watching fireworks from the Fabulous apartement of Lord & Lady Liberty! see the Council tax may me 160 Per Month, and you may not have much for that, but several times a year you can invite over as many friends as you like and have the partty of the year and be able to view, Grenwhich, Blackheath, Clapham and all the blooming fireworks in the world.

I just dont understand why we celebrate a day that they didnt succecceed in blowing up goverment!