Weekly Fix

My weekly call from Dusan came tonight. Its amazing, its the one thing that is guaranteed to put a smile on my face. He is doing really well and passing his exams and waiting for his next ship assignment. He promises he will be back to celebrate my Birthday and DTPMs Birthday in April. It just seems so far away but the countdown is on and by the time Christmas is over it will be coming around much faster. :-)

If he had managed to get a B2 Visa we could have taken a week in Florida at some stage but the Emabassy only have him a Cruise Ship visa so its all messed up.

So I am smiling as I get ready for an early night. My weekly fix always has me smiling. Come back soon baby! X

Halloween

Richard and I drove back so he could get his train back home to Bristol on Friday evening and then I made my way to Marcus's before going to DTPM with Steve & Woody for Steve's birthday.

We had all forgotten it was Halloween and the place was filled with stunning boys and Halloween decor. Left around 4AM and came home to find David had arrived for a weeks stay.

Chilled on the sofa for a while as David was getting ready for work and then just had a real lazy day. Made Chicken Tonight and Fresh Veggies, opened a bottle of Chardonnay and was showered and in bed before 10PM for an early night.

This morning, Halloween, I woke at 130AM and then again at 3AM. Once I am awake and know I have to be up in just an hour or so I can never get back to sleep. So gonna jump in the shower now, freshen up and get to the office extreemly early.

Happy Halloween. Neil x

9 Years Strong

It was 9 years ago today that Ant and I first met. It was the begining of my coming out. We met at the coming out group Turning Point in Kings Cross, London, at 730PM on this very evening. So Happy Anniversary Antony. From those humble beginings at Turning Point, so much happened. It really was the turing point in my life. The moment who I admitted whom I was and most will say the moment that I started to be truly happy.

Two weeks after joining Turning Point I had my first boyfriend that would end up in a 2 and a half year relationship. I didnt realise until Ant reminded me that it was today that so much had changed at that pinacle point in my life.

Antony has known me nine long years, his seen me grow from being a shy and insecure closet person into the being of fabulouness that I am today. We recently sat down and had a conversation while he was visiting my house. He said, You have changed so much. We laughed and we cried. It has been an incredible journey.

Amazing to think that 9 years ago I hadnt even told my parents I was gay and now I am planning a gay wedding. (Civil Partnership).

Happy Anniversary and horrah for coming out. It was the best thing that ever happened to me, (aside Dusan).
Right off to DTPM! Sweet Dreams.

,

RIchard, Ikea and friends

Richard arrived at 715PM last night and we came home to chill and watch movies and dinner. I think we drank a little too much and watched 2 movies until 3AM. This meant that we slept in until 1PM this afternoon. Oops, so much for spending the whole day shopping and working on the room.

We did buy a load of furniture that we have half assembled before we had to go to a 40th Birthday Party with the Gaydar Gang. Jamie was celebrating his big 40 with a party in a Bar in Battersea which provided great music and some really nice people.

We have now to get up early and do the entire office in a day! Oh well, Rome wasnt built in a day and I guess my office wont be either.

Came home and had a nice Email from Dusan who has been busy working and studying for a big exam tomorrow. One week down, but at least the countdown has begun.

So many things to look forward to. San Francisco and visiting Ed, Christmas festivites and my baby coming back and then a lifetime of happy memories to share.

I've made so many new good friends this year that you find it hard to squeeze them all in and this past week I have had some real quality me time. Big project to complete with the office this week and now that the colds finally on the way out back to the gym with a vengence.

Oh and the clocks changed tonight, just incase you forgot. Sweet dreams. x

A weekend with Dick

Well not quite Dick but my dear friend Richard is coming up from Bristol for the weekend to help me sort my spare room. I'm just useless at organising and his an expert and we will get to enjoy a weekend of DVDs and stupid talk plus a bottle of wine or 2. I have to pick him up at Paddington later because apparently he cant find his way onto a tube network without an escort. He also called to ask if they would let him into Essex without any Burbury as he hadnt packed any.

I have been frantically running around cleaning and putting things away for his arrival. What is it with Gay Men. You can leave the house in a mess when its just you but the minute someone comes over you have to have the place look like a showroom. Really looking forward to seeing him and having a long catch up.

We also have 2 Halloween parties this weekend and its Steve's Birthday @ DTPM. A busy weekend is just what I need. Missing Dusan more by the day. As my friend Elaine said, 6 months flies by when you are not missing someone, when you are they drag.

We have been told we need to go in fancy dress to one of the halloween parties. I am so tempted to wear my Ivana heals.

Ill be sure to take the camera whatever happends.

Have a fab weekend! Neil x

Missing Pointers

Ive been so caught up in emotion that I forgot to keep up to date with song, weather etc.

Sorry, cant stop crying at the moment. Ive never been good at saying goodbye and with Dusan its like ten fold. Bear with me please.

Weather : Cold, bloody cold and wet
Song : Phil Colins, Take a look at me now. Cos if you listen to the lyrics you will know.

" Take a look at me now, cos there's just an empty space and though you coming back to me is again the odd's its a chance I've got to take".

I dont doubt his coming back... I know he is. I just miss him so much I want to go into hybernation till spring and not wake up. If I didnt feel like this would it would be wrong, right? I so miss him its not real. Thank god for Hot Rox, my new Fat burning pills, (I've lost 18lbs), else i'd get fat i've become so lazy.

Lazy Days & Robbie Williams

I am finally feeling lazy. After a month of exhausting 5AM starts and traveling for up to five hours per day I have a week off to do nothing but chill and a few chores. Today I touched up the painting in the bedroom that I had missed when I did it pre Dusan arriving. So thats finished. :-) Also went back to the gym for the first time in 2 months. (Since Dusan arrived). Been so busy with other things I've been too tired to go when I get in from work. I thinK I will join the gym near the station. At least that way if I am going to work I can take my gym stuff, leave it in the car and go after work. Besides, I dont wish to be snobby but I am through with Harlow Sports Centre. A year of going and not had a single person talk to me? I was a member of the YMCA for 8 years and knew nearly every single member. Half my friends were from the Y. Really hope I can move back to London in the next year and can start going back to the Y.

Received Robbie Williams new CD, Rudebox, in the post today. A million thanks the guy that sent it. His Fabulous, gorgous and the nicest friend you could ever ask for. I cant believe I have only been friends for such a short time and yet his one of my best friends. Thanks babes. Love you. Looking forward to seeing you this weekend.

Missing Dusan loads today. I cant even do his name correctly in Microsoft Word. It should be Dušan but I cant figure out how to do the S with the accent that makes it sound SH instead of S. His name is pronounced DoushSian. In Zagreb we walked past a Post office called "Poste" but with the accent its Poshte. I have also bought a Learn Croatian CD ROM. Its so hard but I will make an effort. He keeps asking me why but dont you think its important to understand some of your husbands language?

Came home from the Gym and sainsburys (Why does a weekly shop for one cost £65?) and just chilled. Oh and the paint touch up. Probably wont sleep tonight as I was awake at 6AM and then slept from 10 till 4PM. Opps. Well its the joys of a week off eh?

Sweet dreams for now and Babycakes, come back soon, please. I dont think I can last 6 Months. XXX Neil

Smiling again

Was out looking at new mobile phones today when my phone went off. It just said Call and I dont often answer numbers that I don’t know the caller so I let it go to voice mail. Can you believe it was Dusan. He left me a voice mail saying


Its Dusan, I don’t have a number you can call me on but will call you again later. I miss you and love you more each day"

It was weird, I was sad that I had missed his call but it made me smile that he had called and was thinking of me.

Marcus Chops then came home with me for Fajitas dinner and a chat. He hadn't left long when the phone went again. It was Dusan. He only had 4 minutes of credit and calling a mobile phone from a ship at sea is not a cheap call. He was telling me how much he missed me and how its getting harder day by day and that he definitely will not be staying the full six months. I cant wait for him to be back and as he said this evening we are just counting down the days till we spend the rest of our lives together. Sometimes its easy to forget how lucky I really am (Lucky Bitch). Such loving friends, so many fantastic things that we get to do and see and the most beautiful man in the world coming back to live with and enjoy the rest of our lives together. Something that I only dreamed of not so long ago and now is a reality.

Went to see my Nan, Lil, yesterday. She is dead excited and said she is just so pleased I have someone to share my life with. Not as pleased as I am.

Dusan had to run as he had a class commencing but wanted me to send everyone his love and let you know he will be back real soon.

Big love for now

Neil

Escape to Brighton

After Lisa messed up the dates for our Brighton reunion I decided to take the lovely Jaffa Joe up on his offer to let me go and stay down for the weekend and spend some time together. I've been really fragile of late and somehow the pinacle moment was Dusan's final leaving for Miami. Joe & I met up last night in Brighton, went for dinner at a lovely Chinese restuarant and then came back to his appartment and just chilled out. My big old Gay Familiy, there to ever support us in times of strife and Woah.

We had a bizare evening, enjoying drinks and just chilling and chatting. Joes apartment has bay windows over looking the street and a lady who'm used to live there stopped and said hello. Before you knew it Big Hearted Joe had invited them up to see what he done to the place. We had a wee party all of our own.

Finally getting to sleep I woke to several messages from Gary wishing us his best and a single message from Dusan that I have to write for it made me smile. "Hey Babycakes, On the airport now. Hope u r well. Want to let u know that I am thinking about you all the time and I will always do. All My Love Dusan

His finally gone, I recieved a text to say that his safely in Miami and will call soon. Somehow counting down to his return is far easier now that the countdown has finally begun. Be safe babycakes. I love you.

Never can say goodbye

I was not the best of company this evening as I I met Emily and made our way to the theatre to watch the Londons Gay Mens Chorus perform. As is the best of entertainment, it should make you ponder, think and take time to appreciate.

The GMC were amazing as always, as was the very sexy Joffrey, but I had to rush home so that I could make that most importantant call to Dusan.

Saying goodbye, farewell was the hardest thing I have ever done. Neither of us wanting to put down the phone but now its done. He will leave for Miami in the Morning and when he returns we will have the rest of our lives to share together. Zo hurry back Dusan, Im waiting for you babycakes. xxxx

Loosing it

I just dont understand.

I should be happpy, but I am sad. The man I love is coming back to Marry Me. But I feel rotten. Awful, Nasty. Its like a big come down that I cant get out of. I used to be the life a soul a party. I was fabulous but now i am withered. I n. Seed to find a way back to being fabulous. Gary hit the nail on the head. I need to throw Nazeing Pride. A house warming. To make me ralise that I can do stuff on my own again. How can you go from being the boss and running the show to sitting in the back seats. Its time I did something and said "This is me - Come Celebrate". So I thihnk that the project has to be Nazeing Pride.

A housewarming event that will make me feel more at home than out of water and alive again.

I was supposed to go and spend this weekend with Lisa and Karina in Brigton but Lisa got the dates wrong so it looks like Vauxhallcowboy & Jaffa Joe will have to go it Solo. Lets throw a party, lets start planning and make it happen. I know this is not the Neil that you all know and love. I'm just stuck in a place with no sense of direction at the moment.

So ill plan a party, a celebration of life and get back to what I do best, living life to its fullest.

The funniest thing is, I met Marcus yesterday and even though I was feeling like poo, he and I have always lived life. Life life for the moment. Make every second count. Enjoy every moment. Right now I am not, I am sad and hurt and fragile and I want that to change. Ive had depression before and right now I can feel I am spiralling out of control downwards. Time to stop, be fabulous and create something taht will make the world think, yeah thats our Neil.

So bear with me guys and I think I know what i have to do. Plan this Party and start living again. Now where do I begin? Marqees at Argos etc... Ill be back with a bang.

Times nearly up

With just 3 days until Dusan takes his plane to Miami to join the ship, the countdown to him going will be up and the new one till he returns begins. I guess I will feel better when his finally gone as I know that the final countdown will have commenced. Right now I feel like we are both stuck in a void. I cant visit him as have work commitments, he needs to get ready and packed for 6 months away and we are both apart from one another.

Hopefully he will be back in the blink of an eye and in the mean time I hope I will find the strength to be strong and happy and back to the good old fabulous me. Its just that I don’t feel so fabulous at the moment. Maybe I should book a week in the Sun. I’ve not had a proper holiday since May. Maybe that’s the badger (as Stuart would say).

With the clocks about to change and winter looming in, I think I need a new project to get me going and re invigorate me. I’m open to suggestions anyone?

Lazy Weekend

Had a really lazy weekend.

Friday I just came home from work and chilled and ironically after wanting a lie in and going to bed at 1AM I was awake at 5AM. Guess my body clock was used to the early mornings.

Im back on my Hot Rox. The fat burning pills i get from the USA. I have been on them for 3 months since March. Each alternative Month. In totally I have lost 20LBS and I havnt been going to the gym. The great thing is that they are so full of Caffein they make you wake up in five mins so if nothing else they would be a great wake up pill. Even better, my Doctor said that if I didnt do it all the time there was no harm in taking them. :-) Considering they work I am happy.

Saturday afternoon I went over to see Mikey and Alex. It was their anniversary and good to see Alex again after so long. We went for dinner at Papagenios in Covent Garden. A spin off of Soratros in Covent Garden. An opera themed restaurant. Sadly, unlike the original, this new, larger store was so packed that the service was appaling. It was a set meal but even then it took them over 2 hours to bring us our entres and the starters were on the table when we sat down. Not good. Definitely wouldnt reccomend this one but the original is fabulous.

Was so tired after dinner I came right home and had an early night.

Sunday, Neil Sexton and I were due to go to DTPM. I was so tired Sunday I had to bail and spent the evening at home. I was so tired I fell asleep on the couch at 630 pm till 11PM then again from 3AM till 10AM. I must have needed the sleep and feel so much better for it now.

Another lazy day today with just some shopping and paperwork. Had a text from Dusan which made me smile. Miss him so much I really dont feel myself at the moment. Hopefully will see him soon. Back to work tomorrow, another 5AM start then full day of training. Thankfully I enjoy my job. If I didnt it would be such a chore.

Sweet dreams. Neil VC X

Smiling now

Having felt like poo since I got back from Croatia on Tuesday and missing Dusan more by the day I finally have a smile on my face this evening.

I have just spoken to him and he sometime says the sweetest of things that make me smile. I said how much I will miss him when his on the cruise and how I really dont want him to go and he said, "I may be gone for a few months but we will still be together by Email & Text and then when I return we will be together for the rest of our lives". Call me poof but it almost bought a tear to my eye.

Never thought in a Million years I would feel like this and finally have found the most amazing person to share my life with. Someone so special I want to make sacrafices for him and someone that makes me melt inside. I feel a far cry from how I felt last night and in his few words in that sentence I feel like I am once again a Lucky Bitch. Dusan's lucky bitch! (In his words, "I dont think so love".:-)x

Seasonal Changes

Had to be up at 5AM to beat the traffic this morning but woke at 345 and couldn’t get to sleep again so got up at 4:00, made 2 very large coffee’s and then left at 545AM. Got into the car and Leanne Rhymes’s “How do I live without you” was playing on the radio. Didn’t I just mention that song a few weeks ago and how it plays on my mind time and time again. That and carpenters “Cant smile without you”. But I know I have to be strong.

Leaving the house that early I couldn’t believe how cold it was. Had to sit in the car for ten minutes till it defrosted and I’ve had my heating on already. Apparently the clocks change in a week or so and the winter will really be setting in.

Coming home took me 2.5 Hours. Time for a new job me thinks. Even the train to London is never that bad.

I seem to have lost my appetite too. Cant seem to stomach food. Guess that can only be good on the waistband but none the less. Is it too much to wish that he wouldn’t go on the cruise? I guess it is. I wouldn’t want anyone to hold me back from any of my life ambitions and for that reason I have to let him go. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt but its what I have to do for him. But I wont let him go without at least telling him how I feel.

This is supposed to be a happy blog. Sorry. I guess I need something to make me feel a Lucky Bitch again eh? X

Missing you already

Got home and amazing at it seems its only been 18 hours since we said goodble. I called him and we talked about how much we miss each other etc.

I said how much I felt lost and sad without him and how I wished he would quit the cruise ship and come and move in with me. He saida, "Dont just expect me not to". How I can dream and wish it was that way.

See you soon baby.

All my love

Neil x

10:37 AM – Zagreb International Airport, Croatia

The hardest part is now over. We sat and chilled on the sofa for the last 30 minutes, neither saying very much, neither able to. Both of us our stomach’s churning and feeling sick. But this is different, its not a stomach pain that is turning over, its pain coming from higher, from the heart.

We packed up our final belongings and made our way to the elevator, pausing momentarily to say our final goodbyes in privacy. Its so different from London here. I guess we don’t realise what Lucky Bitches we really are to be able to walk through the streets of Soho holding hands, showing emotion. To be able to kiss your lover goodbye in the street in front of prying eyes. London is so cosmopolitan in 2006 it hardly turns a head to see 2 men or 2 women cuddling, kissing or showing emotion in public. In Croatia it’s so different. Walking down the street you can show nothing, just hold you head high and keep going. Don’t dare to stick out. Its just not the understanding and accepting place that London has boldly become.

We checked out of the hotel and made our way to Concierge to get a taxi to the airport. As he hailed the taxi we took the moment to embrace. To hold one another in each arms as tightly as one can and to say those words once more “I love you”, “I love you too”. And with that I passed him a small piece of my heart and he a piece of mine, so here it be, the two of us will never be whole until we are back in one another’s arms.

I should be happy, after all, we are now committed to one another. Not just for the next few years but for a lifetime of memories together.

Last night he was asking about Disney World and I couldn’t help but think of the times Debbie Polando and I used to sing ‘A whole new World’, so I sang it to him.

“I can show you the world, Shining shimmering splendid
Tell me Dusan, when did you last let your heart decide
I can open your eyes, take you wonder by wonder
Over sideways and under on a magic carpet ride
A whole new world, a dazzling place you never knew
And now from way up here, its crystal clear,
Now I’m in a whole new world with you’.

I think the last line is the most important. I no longer see myself as a single entity. I see it as being us. I no longer sign off just Neil, its Neil & Dusan. I no longer make plans for my future but for our future.

I am now sat in the VIP lounge at the airport. Thank goodness for membership. I can sit and grief alone in the privacy of the lounge and at least the booze is free in here 

Once more the wait is on but this time its different. It’s the final countdown. When we see each other again it will be to get the Visa so he can come and make plans to Civil Partnership. From then on, its he & I. My baby and me. I’ve only just said goodbye 30 minutes ago and already I miss him. Come back soon baby, come back soon. All my love, Neil x

October 10th 2006, Zagreb, Croatia

As the hours and minutes fast run out it’s a bit like watching those last precious moments in an hour glass. There seems to be a fair bit left and then before you know it its at the final grain and the time is up.

I hardly slept last night. How could I be expected to sleep when I knew that the minute I got up would be time to say goodbye. Dusan was much the same. Rolling over and cuddling all night long knowing that the time was nearly nigh.

He has promised that 6 months will be the longest duration he will be gone and that he will be back to help me celebrate my next birthday in April. Something that I cling to as my light at the end of the tunnel.

Now that its common knowledge and its official, I have to tell my parents. He said that he will find it easy as his mother will be sure to spot the engagement ring. He lives with her though while staying in Croatia. Mine on the other hand I will have to pluck up the courage to visit them and tell them what I think is exciting news. But you never know how they will really take it. I have faith. As Dusan said his mother will say, “If your happy son then I am happy”.

All that I know is that love is one of the most powerful of emotions and that this love will prevail. It will get stronger and although the forthcoming months will be difficult without him here the wait will be worth it in the end. Absence makes the heart grow oh so much stronger. Today he told me that he loved me more today than he has ever done and yet has loved me from the moment we started to date back in Feb 2003.

So for now there are two difficult tasks still lying ahead, saying goodbye within the next hour and telling our parents when we return home. I’m not sure which will be the most difficult but I know which will hurt the most.

9th October 2006, Zagreb, Croatia

It is now down to our last 12 hours together and so far, fingers crossed, I have managed to hold back the tears. As Jaffa Joe said "Make every Second count" and we are. We've spent most of today after going out this morning in the hotel room, talking, chilling, cuddling and doing nothing. Its not about doing anything its about spending quality time together.

In 12 hours I have to say goodbye and know that, like last month, I wont sleep a wink tonight. How can I want to miss a single second lying in the arms of the man I love more than anything or anyone on the face of this beautiful earth.

So once more a countdown ends and another begins, 12 hours of time together, 6 months till we are together again.

Counting the days, minutes & seconds until we are one once more.

October 8th 2006 – Zagreb, Croatia

I guess my expectations of the capital of Croatia were far higher than it could ever deliver. When Dusan said that there was nothing to do in Zagreb I thought he meant in the sense that there was not much of a gay lifestyle. I was wrong, there is literally nothing to do. The tourist map had a Hard Rock Café listed so I thought at the very least we could get a decent meal and I could collect a hurricane glass for Janet in Salt Lake. We found the Hard Rock Café. They didn’t even have Tee Shirts and I seriously doubt it’s a real Hard Rock. It looked more like Rock Bottom Café to us. There was no-one inside and they didn’t have a gift shop. We actually had some Americans ask us directions to it today and had to tell them, that they no merchandise.

We have found 3 restaurants in the whole city, other than McDonalds. There was the one restaurant by the cathedral where we ate on Friday. A Chinese opposite the Hotel where we ate today and they naturally have an overpriced restaurant in the Sheraton where we are staying. Aside from that the whole city is full of shops that are closed, coffee bars that only serve drinks and bars. We cant find a single decent restaurant in the whole of Zagreb, a city of 1 Million people.

The architecture is descendant of Austrian or Hungarian Empires and most of the buildings look like, at one time, they belong in the sound of music. But many years on they are run down and in a state of disrepair. The tram system seems to be the only thing that looks like a modern city.

Today we slept in till gone noon having last night explored out to the cities only gay club, Globalclub. Having found its address on the internet we scoured the map for 5 minutes till realising it was literally 100 feet from the front door of our hotel. So we ventured out into what must be according to guiness the Worlds Smallest Discothèque. Having said that the crowd were friendly and it was only 30 Kuna entrance (£3). We stayed a while but decided to venture back to the hotel to enjoy quality time together.

Today having slept in we ventured out just to get out of the hotel room. Having discovered yesterday that there is more to do in a single Postal code of London than the whole of this capital city, I mean, where are the museums, the local points of interest? Our hotel is right in the heart of the city and where all the big hotels are. We are minutes from the cathedral that is closed for renovation and the hotel pool & gym are being refitted until mid November. There really is nothing to do in Zagreb.

The pay per view channel in the hotel is around £7.50 and gives you access to 24 hours of the pay movies which has line up of four films, one of which was the Da Vinci code. With nothing much else to do and just wanting to spend some time together a movie seemed a good choice (oh there is a Movie theatre in the Hotel Mall, which we may venture to tomorrow). So we sat and watched the Da Vinci code and opened a bottle of red.

Some what tired and not knowing why considering we had done nothing but chill for 2 days we figured we would go and explore the local gay men’s sauna. (for research purposes you know). It was located in what must have at one time been a luxury apartment in the city centre and now contained a Lounge area, some chill cabins, a café bar area and 2 sauna’s and shower area. There was more attitude than Chariots Shoreditch on a Sunday afternoon and even the locals seemed to slag off Dusan saying that he sounded less Croatian than the locals. How very dare they! I wouldn’t have minded but he was a minger with no grooming habits. We stayed a couple of hours and left very much chilled but ready to do something else.

Having not eaten real meal in 2 days I took Dusan to the local Chinese for dinner. It wasn’t great but at least we are full. After all of this lack of activity, I am very much fulfilled, after all I only came here for one reason and that was to spend time with him. 96 hours of being together. A 96 hours that is rapidly coming to an end and I am slowly realising that like when he left London the last 24 hours will be somewhat sad and depressing.

Tomorrow we have to find the travel agent so that he can go and pay for the airplane ticket I don’t want him to buy. What can you do? Sometimes you have to go through a little pain to receive a lot of love and someone this special is worth waiting till the end of time for. Love you babycakes. X

Zagreb Diarys - Oct 6th 2006

Zagreb - Croatia

Last night I ended up over at Marcus’s until nearly 11:00PM which meant that it was gone Midnight by the time I even got home. I hadn’t even begun packing and the washing machine had not done the dry cycle after washing so I had a machine full of wet clothes. Not good. Once I had packed what I could it was 130AM and I couldn’t decide if it would be better to go to bed or just stay up. Considering that I would have to be up at 400AM to get showered and leave by 5:00AM to get to the airport.

By 2:00AM I was tired enough to warrant a few hours sleep so set three alarms scared that I would sleep in such a deep sleep and end up missing my flight. I was dead to the world when the alarm woke me at 4:15AM. Showering and throwing together my hand luggage I was out of the door at 5:00AM and at the airport by 6:00AM. I’d never even so much as heard of Wizz Airlines before but they are apparently Eastern Europe’s biggest Carrier and much alike Easyjet in that they are a “No Frills” airline. But at £62 including taxes, it was actually really good. At least their pink and purple livery is far more pleasing on the eye than that awful Orange of Stelios’s. They were on time, pleasant and actually got us in early. (Tail wind). Landing in Zagreb at 11:15 local time just under 1 hour and 50 minutes flight time. As we excited the aircraft the heat hit us. A far cry from the wet and cold of London this very morning.

I jumped in a taxi to the Zagreb Sheraton. Dusan had said he would either meet me at the airport or go straight to the Hotel. I gave him a call from the hotel and he was stuck on a delayed train. So I jumped in a taxi. The young driver was very friendly and spoke excellent English. Even gave me his card in case I needed a taxi anywhere else during my stay.

Checked into the city centre location hotel. They have a pool and spa and figured it would be nice to relax in the pool in the evenings before going out in the city.

Currently I am waiting for him to arrive. He texted to say the train is presently not moving. I come 1000’s of miles to see the man I love and we get let down by local transport.

Mad as it would be, I am actually nervous. I guess that my body is exhausted from the past weeks excess (Ibiza, Alton Towers weekend, Product launch at work) plus I have the mental exhaustion of not being able to see my baby. Well the wait is over today, if his train ever gets in, and for 94 hours we will enjoy each others company.

On the 20th October he will return to the Caribbean for his final cruise contract. 6 Long Months, 180 Days, 4320 Hours, 259200 Minutes, 15552000
Seconds without the man I love. I know I shall torture myself during that time. Mentally. I never thought I could feel like this. Happily in love and yet in pain that his away. Albeit for a temporary period. None the less, any moment of absence is hard on the mind and the soul. I have promised myself that I will not hit the bottle. Its too unforgiving on the waistline after all, especially as in the last 3 months I have lost 4” and 18lbs. How fabulous is that? I just feel at the moment I am forever playing a waiting game. A game that I seem to be doing far too often. Counting the days till he left the cruise in August, the days till he arrived in the UK, the days till I was coming back here to see him, the minutes till his train gets in and once more until he returns from his cruise.

I have so many surprises for him this week. Little gifts that I hope will make him smile and remind him of me while his gone and good times we have shared in London. I secretly hope that he will be refused the US B2 Visa so that he cant go. But that’s just me wanting things for me and not taking into consideration his own needs. He needs to work and has an opportunity on a ship for 6 months, thousands of miles away. But I will wait. I guess I would wait till the end of my days. I would wait because I know I will never love anyone like I love him. I never have before and I know I wont again. Love that has grown over distance and time. I would challenge anyone who says that long distance relationships cant work. Since he left in November 2004, Email, Telephone calls, and visits is all that we have had and yet each time we meet up our love is stronger yet. It’s a waiting game that is hurting me so much and I cant bear to do it much longer. Every time I hear that Bulgaria & Romania are now joining the EU does nothing to make things easier. With only half a million citizens Croatia would hardly burden the UK population. More immigrants came in from Poland than live in this whole country. If only they were joining in January things would be so much easier. No need for permits and visas. We would still get married though. Why? Because he loves me and I love him and it seems the right thing to do when two people are in love.

15:00PM A knock at the door signalled that the wait was finally over. Standing there in the hallway looking as sexy today as the day I first laid eyes on him. We hugged & Kissed in a passionate way that you only ever usually feel after having a big fight with your lover. You just cant keep your hands off each other and you literally are shaking all over.

We went out for dinner and neither of us could eat, suffering with exhaustion. I’m guessing that it’s the emotional exhaustion of being apart. Dusan, like I, said he felt nervy and excited about meeting up again. We ate dinner in a restaurant right opposite Zagreb Cathedral then came back. It’s a tiny city and we seem to have covered over a third of the geography in the 2 short trips out yesterday. There surely must be more to the capital than this?

Got back around 1030PM to have an early night in and a cuddle.

Off to Croatia to see my Baby

After what seemed an eternity waiting for the past month I finally fly to Croatia this morning and see my babycakes Dusan. How I will feel when his gone for 6 months I dont know. I know I will spend half of this weekend in tears (even if they are internal ones), hurting at the fact that his going away.

I know his doing it for the right reasons. He needs his independance once he comes here and when he comes in on a "Intent to Civil Partnership Visa" he cant work for 6 months. This cruise will give him enough money to be self supporting during that period which he wants in order not to rely on me always for money. I've told him I dont mind. You cant tell someone you will do anything for them and then say I'm not prepared to do that. I would be monogomous for him, I would travel the ends of the earth for him. I guess the only thing I wouldnt do is give him up. Life without him seems like a half life. He completes me and I feel a huge void the whole time he is gone.

So I shall step on that plane in a couple of hours time and have a very special question to ask him when I am there. When the time is right in a romantic setting and all. Im shaking cos it will then all be official. After all this kicking myself up the butt saying we wouldnt do it if we were not being rushed to, we would, because the time is right. I love him so much and cant bear life without him, he loves me back and cant bear being away. So lets be together. Lets have a celebration like I have never celebrated before with all my friends and family and let the world know we mean it, we love each other and are looking forward to spending every living day together till we die and get old. (not necessarily in that order).

I was reading the Pink Paper yesterday. The front cover says that Gay couples are finding it harder to tell their parents they are going to get married than it is to come out. Its like coming out all over again. You are bringing up a subject that is not talked about after all at home and something that means telling the whole world, aunts & uncles and all. Something I guess some parents brush under the mat and although they accept you for being gay, dont necessarily talk about it to family members. A Civil Partnership will change all that. I wish I wasnt so nervous. I wish my mum read this and now she knows. I want to tell you mum, I just dont know how. I want to tell you before I do it but am scared. Dont know why? Maybe becuase your and Dad's approval means more to me than anyone elses as I respect you both the most in all the world and I need to approval more than anyone elses. So for now, like for the past month, I am chickening out telling the only people I really need approval from. If only she read my blog. Tell me what you think. Email Neil@vauxhallcowboy.com

Also you can see pics from the summer on my new website that is under construction;
www.vauxhallcowboy.com/snaps

Gaydar Radio Win BT Digital Music Station of the year Award

Arrived this evening, around 8PM at the Roundhouse in Chalk Farm, London for the 15th Annual Digital Music Awards 2006. Seeing as Gaydar had been nominated in one of the categories, it was nice to go along and support the team.

Arrived and Gary H soon came up to say hello. All of the Presenters and Gaydar Radio staff were down on the lower level dinning while we had tickets to the Royal Circle.

One by one they all came up, Simon, Yannick, Jason, Robin, Sam. It was really sweet. As the awards started, apparently hosted by some girl from Radio One but I had never heard or seen of her before. It started with some music and then slowly the awards were begun.

When she announced the award up next is best digital music station in the UK we all tensed up with anticipation. All of the Gaydar Radio team work so hard and want nothing more than to make it even more of a success than it already is. The lady on stage continued… “And the nominee’s are…” At that moment the huge screen above her head flickered into light and we were able to view the nominees. We all waited with baited breath. The lady obligatory fumbled with the envelope as though you simply have to do that whenever you present an award.

“And the winner is”, she continued, pausing, momentarily, to appear with a look of shock, “Is Gaydar Radio”.

Council Chav, his Boyfriend Gaz and I erupted into cheering and supporting the gang as the whole table got up and made their way to the Stage. Jamie Crick gave a really sweet thank you speech and we watched both smiling and shaking with excitement at this fabulous news. Not only is it a great station but now has the award as Best UK digital music station.

Everyone’s face was such a picture. They all looked so amazing up there, on stage, with everyone watching, the television camera’s recording it and the boys and girls of Gaydar standing on stage.

We couldn’t stop smiling and grinning and post Jamie’s speech had to get in touch with everyone who would care via text message.

As the award was getting close to a finish we were joined by Robin and Jamie whom shared a bottle of verve with us (lucky bitches). They said “we could have never done it if it wasn’t for people like you”. One by one they came up to our level to share the good news. Boys & Sam, we are all so proud of you all. I even got to meet Gary, one of the founders of Gaydar. You all make a smile so much, give us the best music and what is undoubtedly now fact, you are the best Radio Station in the UK.

As soon as the awards ended we were allowed downstairs to go to the after party. Loads more music and drink. Got to say congrats again to all the gang and even some pictures of some of them holding it. Then after that I got a signed program from them all.

Amazingly I am still buzzing from the excitement. All this fun and on a school night too? Ces’t la Vie.

Just got into my hotel room in Windsor for the evening. It has sheets and blankets and not Duvets! I feel so 1970's.

Congratulations Gaydar Radio. We love you ! Big kiss VC X
Listen to Gaydar Radio at;
www.gaydarradio.com
Sky Channel 0158
DAB Digital Radio in London Brighton and the South East

Feel the Love, share the passion

Monday after the most fabulous weekend of the year could never have been an easy one, especially getting up at 5:00AM to make the Monday rush hour traffic. But I arrived at the office at 7:00AM and tuned into Gaydar radio to listen to Neil and Jason at Breakfast. Everyone could do nothing but talk about Gaydar Days.

I have had so many people call that were there and say how much fun they had. Neil Sexton said they had received dozens of Texts and Emails at the Studio saying how awesome it all was. But most of all, everyone agreed. There was love. Love of friends that care about each other. Love of people that enjoy spending good quality time with each other. People who will help you when you are feeling blue and are there when they need you.

My friend Ant called last night and said “I may have only met you once but I feel so connected to you and Jaffa Joe. Its like one big family” You know what, it really is. So as I am about to burn out this evening I’m feeling happy and loved. Loved by friends, loved by my family and loved by my beautiful boyfriend. Isn’t love a wonderful thing?

Current Situation:

My Mood: Loved
Weather: Warm
Song: I feel love

Gaydar Days at Alton Towers

As the music played off the last track of the entire event and as the lights went up at 6AM on Sunday morning one of the new friends I made, Matt, said “Now that is how you throw a party”. That pretty much sums it up. It was the event of the year.

After 6 months of build up the weekend was finally here. The very first ever Gaydar Days at Alton Towers. I had booked with Fabrizio, Kenton and Robbie to go up for the weekend and share a room. A bargain at £99 per person which included both the accommodation, breakfast and all of the parties. I met Fabrizio (Fab) from work at 3:30 and made the drive up to Staffordshire. It was pelting down with rain and that slowed us down but we made it in just over 3 hours. Parked the car and made our way into the lobby of the Splash Landings Hotel. The second we walked into the Lobby we bumped into Sam Vangeen, Neil Sexton, Jason Rosam, Jamie Crick, Yannick Lawry and a few more of the Radio Station crew but upon checking in had been told that we had been moved over to the Alton Towers hotel. Apparently due to an event they had moved most of the guests to the other hotel which was completely sold out. Checking into our room and receiving our wristbands to gain access to both the Alton Towers Hotel throughout the event and the water park dance party later that evening. We settled into the room and went down to enjoy dinner in the Restaurant. Every corner you turned I was bumping into familiar faces and dear old friends. As we were about to finish dinner music started in the lower bar and the evenings entertainments had begun. We grabbed a quick drink and shortly after that Kenton and Robbie arrived. We all changed into our dress code for the evening, Beach wear.

The Hotel has an indoor water park that was converted into one huge alternative venue for a nightclub. Although the rides were closed there was still a small splash pool open for those that wanted to get wet. Everyone clad in trunks, shorts and flip flops the party had begun. The bodies beautiful on display as we hooked up with more and more of the Gaydar gang. Mikey, Big Ben, Amanda, all of the Gaydar Radio crew. It was like Brighton Pride revisited. As the drinks flowed rapidly from the bar and the water park filled with around 1000 hot boys and girls the dancing began. It was a shame that the water rides were closed but alcohol and water don’t mix kindly and by 4AM we were all a little sad that the opening event was already over. Making our way up the stairs back into the hotel, more music was pumping out from the Margarita Bar. With Candy Bar DJs pumping out the sounds for the rest of what remained of the morning after party while still the bars remained open. Kenton and I had to keep out of the hotel room as Robbie & Fab had “hooked up”. Chilled in the dance area until it quietened down as people started to fizzle off and make their way to their rooms. I hung out with the last hardcore few including both Matt’s and Deano. Met some really genuinely nice people. There was literally no attitude. Groups of people were meeting up and making new friends. Finally got to bed around 7AM. So much for not partying too hard pre the big day out in the park on Saturday.

We all slept in far later than anticipated but obviously needed the sleep. So having missed breakfast made our way straight over to the park. Stopping initially at the VIP area where the Champagne was free and constantly flowing plus a nice lunch buffet. We then made our way around the park to enjoy the rides. Nemesis, Air, Rita queen of speed, Oblivion, Haunted Mansion, and the Raging River Rapids. At one point while on the Rapids and entire wave came over the boat soaking Kenton and Robbie in one splash. I got off lightly.

Ran into Ant & Sean who joint us for the rest of the afternoon as we repeated some of the big rides. As the clouds came over at six and it started to drizzle we made our way back to get ready for the evenings festivities and to have a couple of drinks before going on.

A surprise invitation had been placed under everyone’s bedroom door. The card read, “Su Pollard would like to invite you to a champagne reception in Sir Gallahans bar from 2100 – 2200.” Su Pollard? What was that all about?

So we changed into our evening clothes and made our way to the bar at 9PM. Once more the champagne flowed and was free (fabulous). At around 9:05 we heard an announcement on the PA system. It was the instantly recognisable voice of the actual Su Pollard from Hi de Hi television fame. We turned around and to our surprise she was actually there. She did a small speech and then came around and said hello to everyone allowing us a chance to get a picture with her as a souvenir. At ten PM, slightly intoxicated from all of the champagne and not having eaten much since lunchtime, the doors at the end of the bar were opened up and we were allowed into the main event of the evening, the Salvation dance party. As we entered the room it was amazingly set up as a huge night club venue. I think everyone was surprised at how good it looked. Fabulous sound system, great lighting and the music rocked. Salvation dancers came around handing out tee shirts and all sorts of flashing necklaces and mementos. We carried on drinking and I managed to hook up with my favourite roaming Reporter RJ. We had agreed that we would do, yet another report back for “Poo on a Stick news” and right to his word, RJ did. He madly finds a stick of sorts and goes up to complete strangers asking them questions, interview style, pointing the stick at them as it really were a microphone. It’s hilarious to see peoples reactions and always good to see Mikey & RJ.

We danced till 4am and as on Friday there was an after party this time in the bar in the Alton Towers Hotel. The music carried on throughout the evening. We ended up in a chill out area of the bar and hung out until the final song faded and the lights went up to applause from everyone in the room.

It was a unique event and an outstanding success for all that attended. An event that was made even better by the fantastic company that it was shared with. To everyone that was there and makes up the Gaydar Family, to all my friends, old and new. To everyone that made it such a remarkable weekend, Thank You. I can honestly say I had the time of my life to the extent that I have a tear of joy in the corner of my eye as I talk about it. The Gaydar Family grows and grows. The friendships grow stronger and everyone is welcome. As Fab and I drove away around 11:00 Am this morning and said our goodbyes I can honestly say I’ve had the time of my life and what a way to end the summer Pride Season. Looking forward to seeing you all again soon. What a great time in life to be Gay and able to have such wonderful opportunities and experiences. I think this weekend we all were Lucky Bitches.

Current Situation:

My Mood: Happy
Weather: Wet
Song: I've had the time of my life