Loosing it

I just dont understand.

I should be happpy, but I am sad. The man I love is coming back to Marry Me. But I feel rotten. Awful, Nasty. Its like a big come down that I cant get out of. I used to be the life a soul a party. I was fabulous but now i am withered. I n. Seed to find a way back to being fabulous. Gary hit the nail on the head. I need to throw Nazeing Pride. A house warming. To make me ralise that I can do stuff on my own again. How can you go from being the boss and running the show to sitting in the back seats. Its time I did something and said "This is me - Come Celebrate". So I thihnk that the project has to be Nazeing Pride.

A housewarming event that will make me feel more at home than out of water and alive again.

I was supposed to go and spend this weekend with Lisa and Karina in Brigton but Lisa got the dates wrong so it looks like Vauxhallcowboy & Jaffa Joe will have to go it Solo. Lets throw a party, lets start planning and make it happen. I know this is not the Neil that you all know and love. I'm just stuck in a place with no sense of direction at the moment.

So ill plan a party, a celebration of life and get back to what I do best, living life to its fullest.

The funniest thing is, I met Marcus yesterday and even though I was feeling like poo, he and I have always lived life. Life life for the moment. Make every second count. Enjoy every moment. Right now I am not, I am sad and hurt and fragile and I want that to change. Ive had depression before and right now I can feel I am spiralling out of control downwards. Time to stop, be fabulous and create something taht will make the world think, yeah thats our Neil.

So bear with me guys and I think I know what i have to do. Plan this Party and start living again. Now where do I begin? Marqees at Argos etc... Ill be back with a bang.