Meetintg up with Friends

I've not seen David Nelson in ages so when I finsished work early yesterday I went into town to see my best mate Gary and then over to see Marcus Chops cos we had not had a Fajitas Friday in ages and not seen him either. Then over to meet David who is currently in London working as Stage Manager on the soon to Tour Saturaday Night Fever Show going over to Korea and Taiwain. Was good to catch up with him.

After a late night, Richard and Mark (Leather Queens) and Stuart came over today and we went to lunch in Nazeing at a local pub. The King Harolds Head. Was nice to see the whole gang again and our only catch up over christmas.

Going to get an early night pre new years. Happy New Year everyone. x

Early Starts again

I guess it will never matter how many times I have to get up early, I will never be a morning person. Having decided I would be in bed by 10:00 last night it was gone 11:00 before I could get to sleep and then I was awake at 4:00, 5:00, 5:30 and 6:15. By then I decided there was no point whatsoever of lying there any longer and so got up to make a large pot of coffee.

The office is only half open this week, its really hard to get motivated when its so quiet and almost everyone that I know is off on holiday until the new years.

Still the weekend is New Years and I have managed to get the Tuesday off to celebrate the traditional way with my friends at DT on NYD. Should be fun. Just hoping that the next couple of days go by pretty quickly. Im sure I will be more motivated in the new year when I can email people and actually get a response.

You shouldnt wish your life away but roll on 2007 and bring on the spring. Isnt everyone sick of the winter already?

Always on my mind

I had to go back to work today after spending Christmas at home and Boxing day at Alex & Mikeys at the new location of Basingstoke. It was a shame I had to work today as couldnt stay and have a drink. Hey Ho.

This is the first year in over 8 years that I have worked between Christmas and New Year. It was hard to get up this morning at 7AM. I was so tired and had to sit at my desk and try and work my way through it.

I couldnt get Dusan off my mind. It was like all day I was unable to concentrate on anything at all, but thoughts of him coming back and our future together. I had hoped he would call tonight, especially as I missed his call while I was at Janes on Christmas day. But you cant have it all. His emails have gotten much longer now too and it wont be long now. I guess I keep almost expecting to wake up and it all have been a dream. It may be a dream but its my dream and its slowly coming true.

Roll on the weekend and bring in the year 2007. If its anything like 2006 it will be full of surprises a plenty and lots of fond memories. For now I need an early night or I will never get through the day at the office tomorrow. Sweet dreams x

Twas the night before christmas and.....

Twas the night before Christmas and in true Borchard Tradition it was time to go to the folks for an Indian meal. I am not sure if it my intolerence that lowers or what, but I got to 2 Mansion House and there were Samantha's kids to deal with, Grace and Alex. Then there was the fact that my uncle doesnt like Little Britain. Well what do you expect from a daily mail reader. I feel like I am being pushed away from my own family. Will I let this stop me? No. It was a really bizare situation. Only my cousin Samantha knows about Dusan. Its almost like going in to the closet again. I feel like I am not allowed to mention or say anything about my sexuality and let alone the fact that my Fiance will be back in a few weeks time. See, if I was Straight it would be all above board. Hey Ho.

So I have come home, slightly fluffy to say the least, well enjoy the free wine I say.

Also earlier while delivering cards Dusan caught me on the mobile and we chatted for ages. I love him so much. It feels like torture him not being here right now. Hey Ho Next year will be different. There will be both of us and I just know they will love him.

So the night before Christmas, watching Torchwood and rather fluffy. Merry Christmas everybody. May your Christmas be happy and Gay and god bless us all, everyone. x

Sometimes it all comes together sometimes it falls apart

Sometimes things seem to be going in your favour, everything seems to be going right then another time you feel its all going wrong. Right now, its the latter, I have not wrapped a thing, they didnt have the last of the gifts on the shelves in the stores, and then it happened, they were playing Cristmas music and I heard "Its going to be lonely this Christmas". You know what, it is going to be a very lonely Christmas but I have to have POO. Yep Poo as Neil Sexton would say you have to have a Positive Optomistic Outlook. But my POO doesnt feel so good right now. Maybe its because I miss my babycakes Dusan.

I should be happy. I got the job I wanted, My Fiance is coming back Early to marry me, I'm eating my favourite dinner, Sausage and Mash with Beans and Onion Gravy and watching my favourite Christmas movie which how Fortuitious happened to be on, Miracle on 34th Street. I should be the happiest man on the planet earth, and yet deep down I am crying. If only mum and Dad would be happy for me maybe I would see it all in a different light.

I'll be okay, but then at Christmas if you cant tell the truth and dream, what can you do?

Hollyoaks in the City

Hollyoaks is by far my favourite soap opera on the television. With the new, Hollyoaks late night, Hollyoaks in the city its even better. Adult themes can be covered and they can take the storyline further in. The gorgous Adam player by Philip Oliver is currently struggling to come out. Amazingly, it doesnt matter that its been over 8 years since I told my parents and changed my life dramatically for the better. Just watching him come out and say it in the television show it brings all of the memories of how it felt come flooding back.

A few hours ago, just after I had gotten in from work Richard (one of the leather queens) called me and stated he was in London. At just 0800 this morning they were about to board an airplane to Poland for a week over Christmas. Apparently, after some delays they got to their lay over in Prague but their luggage was in somewhere like Austria. They could have made it to their destination eventually but without all their winter woolies they bailed and took the first availible flight home. Its good to know that they are home safe and sound.

My good friend Claire was due to fly on Wednesday evening to Ethiopia on a treking holiday. This Pea Soup fog has not cleared for 2 days now and nearly 400 flights around the UK and Europe have been cancelled. Hers included. Had a text late this evening saying she never did make it and was at home again and no longer going. The poor love. I know how much she had looked forward to it and now is not going. So sad isnt it?

So I am about to head to bed on the last day of work before Christmas. Merry Christmas everyone.

Civil Partnerships - 1 year old

Hard to believe that its been a year since the law changed and after making declarations 15 days prior the UKs first ever Civil Partnerships were being undertaken on this very day one year ago.

Celebritys such as Sir Elton John and David Furnish being just 2 of the now in excess of 20,000 people who have made a committment in such a way.

Hard to believe that a year on, I am about to start to plan my own.

We have been talking about it for a lot longer than a year, while it was still in the discussion stages of Parliament we were talking about our plans back then. So while it may still be hard for my parents to understand that Dusan and I love each other enough to want to be Civil Partners for the simple fact we love each other and want to spend every living day together and not appart. A love forced into long distance just because of a georgraphy as to where he was born. A love that has grown stronger with distance and time and a love that approaches its 4th anniversary on the 9th January.

I am scared out of my mind that we will have problems with the home office and everything will end at appeal but I believe in Love above all things (I sound very Moulin Rouge there) and Love will conquere all. I will fight tooth and nail to have my beloved Dusan as my life partner, beloved Husband and Civil Partner and wont rest until he is. Thats the strength of love. You would do anything, leave no page unturned to achieve your ultimate happiness. I wont rest till my heart is whole and my love is returned unto me.

GMC Christmas Concert at the Barbican

Having received an Email months ago from the GMC announcing their big annual concet at the Barbican this evening. Emily, Gill, Lisa and I booked to go. With it being so close to Christmas we were all looking forward to it immensely. I got away early enough to go and collect the car from Liz & Phil's and make the drive a few miles across town to the Barbican, meeting Emily at just after 1830.

We made our way to the cafe for a bite to eat and a drink and a catch up when moments later Gill and Lisa arrived. My faveourite girls all around one table.

As the Cafe started to empty out we decided we should start to make our way to our seats. Grabbing our coats and bags and making our way to the auditurium. There was Gill, Lisa and I but where was Emily? We all went back and found her perched on the side of the cafe frantically going through her hand bag. Its contents, Make up, CD's book and goodness knows what else a lady keeps in her handbag were all on the side and a look of panic was on Emilys face.

Emily couldnt find the tickets. She had found the packaging that they had come in and promised she had them when she left the office. Try as hard as she could they were not in her bag. In a bit of a flap and with just minutes before the performance began I managed to find a member of staff and got directions to the box office. It was a Credit Card booking, they could simply print us off more. So we rushed down to the lower floor and found the Box Office now empty.

"Excuse me, we seem to have a problem..." and explained the situation. "What was the name?", asked the supervisor. Someone had handed them in. A wave of relief had come all over Emily and how we laughed. Not at her but at the fact it had given us something to smile over.

We made our way to our seats. Fabulous, Row A of the Circle (Lucky Bitches). We took our seats as the lights went down and the Gay Mens Chorus entered the Auditorium.

I think we can honestly say it was the best Christmas Concert any of us have ever been to. Funny, amazing singing and some sing alongs. The boys did a mix of traditional classics such as Ding Dong Merrily on High and The First Noel as well as some of the more modern songs like Santa Baby. A drag queen sang Big Spender and incorporated audience partipation and by the second half we were enjoying ourselves so much we were singing along to almost every line and it was all we could to keep Emily from launching herself at the boys. The lovely Sandy Toksvig was our compere.

It was the perfect way to spend a night on the approach to Christmas to get you in the mood. A great Christmas concert spent in great, no fabulous company. I honestly think it will be an annual treat and as for the GMC, they surprise me time after time. 3 Concerts by them this year and I love every song more and more. I've been home nearly an hour and cant sleep, must be that I am high on adrenaline. Emily put it well, it was the perfect Christmas Bonanza to round off the year. Is that it? End of 2006? No, it aint over till DTPM on NYD. Merry Christmas for now everyone, may your Christmas be Merry and Gay.

Details of the London Gay Mens Chorus can be found at;
http://www.lgmc.org.uk/

Christmas meal with Lord & Lady Liberty

After a long day at the office and a severe lack of sleep over the weekend I was feeling absolutely shattered when I made the walk from the office to the Long Term Car Park in Chelmsford. It seemed a simple enough journey when I made it in broad daylight but in the misty fog filled night air it took us both about 20 minutes to find both the car park and my car. Claire wouldnt climb over a simple fence (So she had heals on!) so we had to go the long way. I was so tired I could have done with just going home, but I had promised I would go and see Lord & Lady Lizzie and Phil. I call them Lord & Lady Liberty and they call me The Baron.

It was around 715 when I finally made my way through the grand electronic gates of their riverside appartment. Philip came down and lead me up to their floor. Lizzie came running out, dressed as the domestic goddess in her kitchen apron and with pans of delicious food all prepared in the kitchen.

Lizzie had said she had felt rotten during the day and could have so easily have cancelled but it had been so long since we had all seen each other she just couldnt. It was funny because I was feeling so tired I felt the same, but it had been so long, I just couldnt cancell either.

We sipped on a glass of wine and admired the views of Canary Wharf and the River Thames from this vantage point. It really is the most incredible view of Canary Wharf. You can literally see all of the towers from the 7th floor in an un obstucted view.

After dinner we sat, chilled, chatted, caught up, laughed and watched my picture CD of the year. It really is the best one yet.

Somehow it was after 12:00 before we knew it and thankfully they had talked me into staying overnight and leaving my car at theirs and getting a cab to work. Bliss, if only I could do that every day.

For once, Lizzie, Phil and I have celebrated Christmas at Christmas time. Last year we did it in August. Well we like to be different. Thanks for a fabulous night guys and for letting me stay! Big kiss. Neil

Fabulous News and Start the Clock

For months I have felt that things have been going against me that every time something right happens something wrong happens to counter balance it. Now, suddenly, it seems that things are going in my favour.

Today I had an interview at a company in Chelmsford that my dear friend Claire set up for me. Its a very similar project management role as to that I have done for Dendrite, learning software from development, putting together all training materials and getting everything ready from excercises, agenda's, liasing with clients, makeing sure all persons are happy with the final product and delivery etc. Its the natural next step up from what I have been doing as a career since 1998.

I have never had an interview where I see them in the Morning and start just 22 hours later before.

I popped in to see my Nan on the way home. She's 85 and only lives a few minutes up the road. Then came home for a domestic afternoon when at 4PM Lea called me from the USA. We talked for half an hour when the landline went and I had to go. I have six rings after the land line goes to answer before the machine kicks in. It was, as anticipated, my babycakes Dusan. (Yes, thats our pet name for each other. Babycakes. It was what my friend Mark aka Lavern used to call me in Orlando). We talked for 50 minutes. Amazing that he can actually call via a calling card from his own cabin direct to my house. Of course he can call a Mobile but its twice the cost for half the time.

His coming home to see me on the 20th January. Cant wait. Baby is coming home in just 32 days. I have a new contract to see me through the first 2 months of 2007 and my life with the man I love begining.

My parents, I know, are somewhat worried. They have never met him, they think that I could be making a big mistake, but after 4 years in January of us being together, it seems the natural next step. We love each other with all our hearts, more than either of us has ever loved someone before and if thats not a sign that its right, I dont know what is. The fact that we have remained boyfriends during his time on the ship andwhile he was back in Croatia can only mean that absense has made the heart grow fonder and I cant wait to begin a life together with him.

So the clock is now at just 32 days. Christmas and New Year will soon be here and then its just over 2 weeks till his here. If that isnt a great way to start the week, I dont know what is. A week today is Christmas. Merry Christmas everyone. x

Nightingale, Birmingham

Following our very late night, we finally got to sleep at 0700 only to be woken by housekeeping at 0830. Whats with that? Sureley they know that we have not checked out yet?

So we had some coffee and had checked out and left the hotel by noon. Dropping Jaffa Joe off at the Station we hit the road to make the long journey of about 180 miles, North to Birmingham. Stopping twice for a bathroom break and to grab some food we made it to Brum by 4PM and checked into our city centre Holiday Inn Hotel. It was just minutes from Hurst street and a couple of minutes walk from the Nightingale.

Carl joint us in our hotel at 730PM just as we started to watch the X Factor finale. He had won a magnum of Champagne and so we tucked into that pre going out (Lucky Bitches) and made our way down to the very trendy Loft Bar for 9PM. I'm not quite sure it is called Loft Bar. I was expecting it to be upstairs somewhere but it was just a normal street level bar. So we had a couple of Ciders and then maybe it was that I had drunk a fair few the night before or that it doesnt mix well with Champagne but the acidity was getting to me so I switched to soft drinks.

We arrived at the Gale just after 11:30 and made our way to the top floor where Gary was playing. Once he started I made a tour of the place and it had changed slighty since I was last in Birmingham. It was packed. The lower floor full of the G-A-Y crowd, the middle full of people chilling or playing pool around the Piano bar and the top floor the classic dance floor.

Around 1300 I made my way to the lower floor were BeWitched were peforming a set. They were quite good considering you never hear of them anymore.

Gary's set over ran slightly till just after 230 and then the combination of a lack of sleep and a long drive had gotten to us and we made our way home to the Hotel for a fairly early night. Shattered and with some sleep deprivation we slept like babies and didnt wake till almost 11:00AM Sunday to check out and make our way home. Was a really fun weekend and the first time I have not been depressed in ages. Was also nice to spend some quality time with Gary. Don't you find it so nice to sleep in your own bed again after you have spent some time away? Nothing like your own pillows and Duvet is there?

Gary H live launches the new Hart, Eastbourne

Woah, I am currently lying in bed at 0952AM with Jaffa Joe and Gary H post Gary's launch night at the Hart, Eastboure. A town that is perhaps known for its large number of old people, neither of us knew what to suspect when a booking came for Gary to play a set from 10:00 till 2:00 on the 15th December. We arrived in Eastbourne a little after 5:00 and headed out for a quick tipple of Magners at a local watering hole, the Crown & Anchor. I dont know if Gary had his Polly Paranoia head on or what, but he was insistent that everyone in the bar was gay. Just becuase likes the scent of Eauh do Cologne doensnt mean he is of the other pesuaision. How Very Dare He! But having said that, looking around there did look to be a certain amount of "Mo's" everywhere. Or Maybe the Gay look is in, in Eastbourne?


Heading back to the hotel via some shops and a large meat feast pizza we stopped and bought some Cider to enjoy in the hotel room (Lucky Bitches) and freshen up.

Groomed, shaved and presented we were ready to rock and roll and made our way from the Hotel the 10 minutes down to the Hart. Eastbournes only gay venue.

Now from the offset we had no idea what we should expect,perhaps something along the lines of the White Swan?

Having spent over Half a Million pounds doing it up, the Hart was already fairly busy with around 15 people inside already when we arived. A thoroughly modernised and nicely decorated Gay Pub / Club. Ecelptic throughout with a touch of camp. It was looking lovely. A nice modern venue with a big dance club at the back.

Gary was eager to put his music down and see where he was going to play so we were ushered through the bar into the hall where a ladder was awaiting. Up a ladder and over a set of stairs to the loft of the club area. Gary was playing in the Gods.

With an hour to go, the venue was filling up nicely we had time for a couple more Magners then made our way up to the Loft so Gary could start the music flowing. Gary is 6'4 and a 1/2". The roof of the loft was 6'5" giving him about half an inch at the middle, the egges curve in. This was all good and well if Health and Safety hadnt in the way and insisted that there be An Emergency Light in the room which pertruded 2" down approximatly 1 foot behind the DJ's Decks. Poor Gary, if he banged it once he banged it 100 times. Which is fine, cos now I know for Christmas to get him a Hard Hat. :-) Stayed up in the Loft for almost 2 hours, pressing the smoke machine button sporadically before Jaffa Joe arrived just before midnight.

We grabbed a couple more Magners and got one for Gary and I precariously made my way back up the Ladder with a glass of ice and a bottle of Magners.

Joe and I then ventured through into the dance part of the Hart. You know what, Eastbourne may be a little small town but they sure do have a fabulous venue at its Heart (Boom boom, get the pun?). We danced till 2:00 when the lights came up and then managed to bring the party back to our hotel room till 7:00AM. So why I am awake at before 10:00 i'll never know. Was a fab night, in fab company and gets a 2 thumbs up from me.

Eastbourne & Birmingham with Big G

Got a bit of a manic wekeend lined up. First thing tomorrow I have a Medical for a job I have applied for (Fingers crossed). I only got the form back this morning from my Doctor giving signed approval that I can and am phisically able to do the job. Now I have to pass a fitness test and medical. Wish me luck.

After that I am driving to town and picking up Gary. Well as his Unofficial Fan Club I have to support him whereever I can. Actually, in truth, his one of the nicest men I have ever had the honour to meet and who wouldnt want to be around him. His been there in my depressive moments, keeping me busy and occupied while I am away and missing Dusan. Thank you Gary. You are one in a Billion.

So I shall pick him up (Does this make me his driver now? LOL) and we will make our way to Eastbourne. I forget the name of the club but they have just spent half a million doing it up and Gary is Playing. Then on Saturday, once we get up we have a 3 hour drive up to Birmingham. I have been promising to come and see him play at the Nightingale for months and never had a chance. Its just the weekend I need, keeping me busy and spending it with good company. Even better, tomorrow Jaffa Joe will come down (Official caterer to Vauxhall Cowboy) and we will have another fun boys weekend. We will hook up with Carl in Birmingham who has just won a magnum of Champagne and so looks like a very fun weekend.

Wish me luck in my test tomorrow and watchout Eastbourne and Birmingham. Lock up your sons, here comes VC & Big G.

Dusan's news

Woke up this morning and as always, check my email. Its almost as though I look in anticpation at the list of names hoping that his will appear in my Inbox. There it was. Dusan Stojnovic. I clicked on it immediately. He said everyone was saying how down and sad he looked and sounded. I said the same thing to him when we spoke on Sunday. He said even his mother had said it last night on the telephone. So I guess he really is getting down and depressed. Hopefully this will make him want to come back even the sooner. His big news however was that talking to his mother last night he plucked up the courage to tell her that he was now engaged and about our plans to Civil Partnership next year. Being a strong catholic country he was nervous about telling her. I can totally empathise, I was scared stiff of telling my mother and ended up doing it by telephone also. He said that she said she is happy for him and that he has to pursue his own dreams whatever they may be. So we have his mothers blessing and mine are happy if I am happy.

I wish I could say I was happy. I guess both he and I are in a state of depression while we wait till we can see each other once more.

Hopefully with the Christmas build up the time will pass quicker than it has been and once we are through the new year I it will be the countdown of a the last remaining weeks. If, that is, he doesnt come back sooner. How amazing would it be to have Christmas together. Hearing him say he was in tears and down and sad made me feel sad. Come home soon honey, your home is here and waiting.

Till next time, good luck with all the Christmas shopping everyone. Big kiss, Neil x

Friends, Boyfriend and dear freinds

Came home from what can only be described as a day from hell at the office. My team of five are about to quit. I cant blame them, work is really not good at the moment. I think half of the team will quit tomorrow.

Then had a call from Neil Sexton, Spoke to Alex, spoke to Jaffa Joe, Emailed Dusan and had a call from Debbie Scanlan and Lea Crow in the USA. Two of my oldest friends. You cant say thats a bad day. How many nice friends called.

Just exhausted from all the stress and have a big few days coming up.

Ready for a change in career and ready for my babycakes to return. If I get this new contract do you think if I offer him some of the money will he come home for christmas? Thats my dream, or rather my fantasy right now x

Gaydar Radio Staff Christmas Party

Having never really having been to one of these before, being a contractor we rarely get invited, Gary and I were well up for for a fab evening out. So at to ensure neither of us ruined our appetite we didnt eat lunch and so as the clock slowly ticket around to 630 we were begining to feel famished. Id met Gary at his around 3PM and just spent the afternoon chatting and putting together an interview of VC interviewing Superstar DJ Gary Harrison. Funny how much you get to find out about someone by just asking. We were both dreased and ready when the taxi arrived sharply at 630PM taking us the short journey down to Wandsworth and China Boulivard.

Being slightly early, Gary took us right in where we met the lovely Miss Loose Change (Anna) who was busy putting the last minute touches out while the restaurant staff were just finishing their mis en plus. The Restaurant, China Boulevard, overlooks the Thams and the Qsoft Party was taking all of the tables on the Upper Floor. I can only guess that there must have been 100 people there. There were two complimentary bars and all the tables had been laid with name places. On every chair sat a gift. Apparently the Qsoft staff had all done a secret Santa and all of the plus ones received a gift from Qsoft. This had been unexpected.

As more people arrived famliar faces that I know and love. Simon with JD, Jason & Keith, Yannick & Sam, Robin & Jamie, Neil Martin. All the stars of the Radio and the production team too. Its been a funny year. To think a year ago I only knew Neil, now these are names and faces that I see week after week, party after party, that I have shared memory after memory. With all the Prides and Gaydar Days, the memories are packed full this year and coming to a climatic close of the year with me being invited to their staff party. God bless you Gary, You really are, One in Billion.

Once everyone had arrived we took our seats. Our table was near the front and we were sat with Yannick & Amanda & Gary, one of the owners of Gaydar and 3rd most influential gay person in the UK according to this years polls. Somehow I am sat on a table with the 3rd most influencial homosexual in all of this great land! Somehow that became the topic that we were all discussing.

As the 5 course Chinese meal commenced (5 Course Chinese) we had Dumplings, Lobster, Peeking Duck , the main courses and Fritters for dessert. I only remember drinking 5 or 6 drinks. It must have been the fact that I had eaten so little during the day, but it really seemed to have gone to my head. Oh dear. I was feeling a little queer in the attic (As Simon Le Vans would say). The meal ended with an Entertainer. Doing jokes, juggling and that soft of thing. Was quite funny but I was a little drunk to understand all of the jokes. As fast as it hard started the coached were arriving to take the masses to the clubs and bars in central London while we slipped into a taxi and made our way to Robins for a quiet chill.

Well thats what we were told, but there ended up being about 20 people there so I guess it was not so quiet. Once more, another night of fond memories in good company. As we left today, I had to comment to Gary that the thing about his work, which I have never seen somewhere else so much, is that they are all Friends. Its like the company is all friends. A company of friends who work together and then party together. Somehow I have been lucky enough to be invited into this fold and mine has been the year of years filled with so many happy memories. The year has not yet drawn to a close and tne memories are still being packed in. So a huge Thank you to Gary for Inviting me, to Robin & Jamie for the chill out, to everyone in the Gang who's been there at any event this year, and thanks to you all for the love that you show and for sharing this wonderfull life with me. Oh and incase you are wondering what was in the gift? I now have a silver and glass Gaydar Desk Clock. Its quite sweet really. Sometimes I do look back back and say, Isnt life Great?

To top a great weekend off, I came home and the landline rang. My weekly fix of Mr Perfect. Dusan on the phone. I couldnt have asked for a better ending to it myself. He promises to be back late January, which still seems miles away at the moment, but through these teary eyes, and heaven knows they have been teary filled this week, there is a glimmer of a smile cos I just know that once his here I will be the cat who's got the cream. I will have my fairytale. My baby Dusan!

Pre Gaydar Radio Staff Party

Today is the much anticipated Gaydar Staff Christmas Party. Apparently its a chinese restaurant in west London somewhere and I have very luckily been invited along as guest of the very gorgeous Gary H.

Having partied with the gang at several prides, Thorpe Park and Alton Towers Gaydar Days I no longer feel a groupie on the outside of their group.

No doubt I shall have a tale to tell or two by this time tomorrow. :-)

Work out Galore

Woah what a day, slept in till 11:00, naturally then just after I woke up heard the most enormous crack, like that of a huge car accident outside your house. Turns out the crack I could hear was the Tornado passing through that hit North West London and took the roof off over 30 houses in London. I cant believe that we could hear it here in NE London.

I got dressed and spent an hour writing Christmas cards and then queued at the post office to pay to post them. I sent everyone a CD of pictures of my year with them and so it cost over £1 each to send them to the USA. Worth every penny. You cant put a price on memories.

Mum was supposed to join me and go shopping but she was too busy so I went to Harlow to get some of the last gifts on my list this christmas. Have but 2 to buy now, Adam & Verity and Dad. I know what I getting them but its a case of finding it.

At 445PM I made my way to the gym and today was workout two. An hour of cardio and an hour of weights. I left the gym with such low sugar level I had to eat immeditely. So came home and made a huge vat of bolognaise, low fat and ate a third of it. For once I used beef, apparently its good for muscle growth.

I had planned on wrapping presents this evening but spoke to the lovely Jane, my oldest friend. We have known each other since we were five years old and have been dear friends over 20 years. Then Stuart and later Fifi Dior Darling and Gary H.

Gary is one in Billion. Not many you can say that about but what an amazing man. I cant believe how I have only known him less than a year and yet its like I have known him forever. Love you big G.

Just finished a bottle of wine. Oopps. There goes the workout. Well, it was the last bottle of my collection and I had worked out for over 2 hours.

Missing Dusan more than ever. Cant believe I have to live through a christmas without him. I know, he will be back in January, but its not the same. You dont say, lets do Christmas in January do you? You dont plane a Valentine Date (Marcus Chops Birthday) in March. You just dont do it. I hate the thought that he is alone on that ship and hating every minute when he could be here and I could be looking after him. I miss him so much, there is nothing I would not do for that man. Come back soon babycakes.

So its now bed time and ready for sleep. Sweet dreams everyone. Oh and please email me, neil@vauxhallcowboy.com with your address if you want a card. Big love Neil x

PS - Gill, I love you best girl. Keep smiling please and I hope me bailing on the show didnt make you so down. I was so tired I just had to go. I love you honey.

Cleaning out old stuff

Having so much time off this week I have finally gotten around to doing some of the things I have been meaning to do for so long. Clean out the spare room, file away a years worth of unfilled paperwork and sort out the drawers in the bedroom. Why does the underwear draw forver need re folding? Memo to me, stop at Muji and buy dividers.

Wrote a long letter to Dusan and stopped via the post office to buy Christmas stamps and then came home and spent 4 hours filing and throwing out old stuff. I had credit card statements dating back 8 years so anything over three years was shreaded.

Caught up on some emails and made some dinner and settled in for the night with some television and chatted to Richard Chops & Marcus Chops on the telephone.

Still have loads to clean out. Before Dusan returns I want to have the spare room sorted and the spare bed in there, I need to buy a second chest of draws so that his clothes have somewhere to go and to finish cleaning out his side of the wardrobe. I figure the best thing to do is to throw away anything that I have not worn in over a year and be ruthless. I couldnt believe I owned so many pairs of Calvin Klein underpants. So I have the run up to Christmas and then the countdown to my babys return. They say you shouldnt wish your life away but there are some periods of time that you just want to will away in search for a better life with the man of your dreams.

Dusan called with some very good news

Every time the land line goes in my house my heart skips a beat, a beat of anticipation, hoping that perhaps the caller at the other end will be Dusan. He usually calls me on the land line and aside from the odd call from Richard Ms Mason and cold sales calls it never rings. As I answered there was a second or two delay with the satellite connection. It was my babycakes.

Last time we talked we had gotten disconnected after a few minutes and the line went dead. He said it was probably the rough seas causing a bad satellite connection

We talked for 45 minutes this time about the party, about his life on the ship, what he had done at the mall in Fort Lauderdale yesterday, the colour of our ties for the wedding and most importantly about what he was going to do. Was it worth him staying for 6 months now that the dollar is so weak and set to devalue even further this week. Apparently its already at $1.98 to the pound. Was fabulous for Mikey and I shopping last week but its not so good for him changing it into Croatian Kuna or Sterling.

He said he will probably stay only till late January now and then will come back to visit. We are both hating being apart and his whole reason for being there is fading as the dollar dies.

He was asking if I thought he should come back and I would only be lying if I didn’t say its what I want more than anything else with all the love in my heart. I want to spend every day with him in my life. See his smile everyday and kissing him goodnight every night. To feel, touch and hold someone you hold so dear is one of the greatest gifts on earth.

So finally, it would appear that the countdown has begun again, maybe as short as 8 or 9 weeks and I will see the man I will spend the rest of my life with once more.

Keep strong babycakes, I know how much you hate it there, remember I did it for Disney too and I quit after a few months. There is nothing wrong with leaving a job in pursuit of better things. Keep smiling and know how much I love you.

For the first time since we said goodbye in Zagreb I can feel optimistic that I will see him sooner rather than later. I have never thought that 6 months could seem such a long way into the future. Just six months ago it was the middle of the summer and it was all just beginning, now his been gone nearly 2 months already and I miss him more each and everyday.

Let the countdown begin and may gods speed be with us both till we see each other again. All my love, Neil x

Nazeing's first Pride

To celebrate my house warming and as promised a year ago I hosted the villages first ever gay pride event exclusively by invitation only. The invites were sent and RSVPs replied. The lovely Jaffa Joe arrived Friday evening and cooked loads of food for us to enjoy and an amazing spread was put on impressing one and all.



The guests started to arrived at 2:00 with Gary first in and soon it was packed to the rafters.


Had dozens of messages of thanks and that a good time was had so guess we pleased. Loads of food was left over, tons of wine was spilt and many a wall marked. Someone kindly was sick down a wall and I have spent most of today cleaning. Wish I had taken an after photo now to show you how messy the house was this morning when I got up.

Despite the fact the invites said it would run until 10PM, I finally retired, leaving many still downstairs at 6AM.

Thank you to everyone who came out and helped us to have a fabulous time and a huge thank you to Jaffa Joe (Joe Griffiths). Couldnt have done it without you babes. Thank you to all those who came so far, especially Richard from Bristol and Adam from Nottingham. x

Wickedly worn out on World Aids Day

Maybe I have been burning the candle at both ends for a while, maybe it was the drink in the restuaurant yesterday? After 2 days in Leeds right after San Francisco and then party preparation yesterday I made my way into Soho to say Hello to the Gaydar Radio boys doing their Outside Broadcast (OB) from Comptons in Soho. I called Emily and told her to meet me there. She was so surprised when she arrived to see that I was in the middle of a conversation with Richard from Big Brother. I've spoken to him several times before on the phone and online but it was the first time I had met him. Really nice chap. Emily got all exited and asked me , "Are you coming to the party tomorrow", Meaning, have you invited Richard. Was quite funny really. Course I am coming to my own party.

We then headed to fabulous Balans for dinner and some wine and a cocktail. Thats when it hit me, I was suddenly drousy, maybe it was the drink? On the way to the theatre I started to feel exhausted and just after the show started I doozed off! This is me who cant sleep without a sleeping pill and earplugs. So I guess I must have been worn out to exhaustion. Woke up during the show and just felt like going home to bed so sadly left and came home.

Had an email from Dusan. His hating the ship and I think we have agreed that he will come back earier than we had anticipated. We both need to talk again on the phone after we got cut off on Thursday. The dollar is so weak that his making peanuts their on the ship and it will be worth even less once converted into Sterling. Miss him so much I want nothing more than to be in his arms every night once more.
He will call again soon so I shall keep you posted. For now I have to glamourise the place, Nazeing Pride is today!!!!!

Back safe and sound

Having shopped till we dropped we packed till the zipper would barely close on our cases and said our goodbyes to Ed and got into the car for the final drive to the airport. I have never been so thoroughly searched in all my life. I think it was my nipple ring that set the thing off but I was literally searched all over my body. We made our way to the North West Airlines VIP Lounge and enjoyed the freee cocktails and snacks till 330PM when they closed and made our way to the gate. We preety much boarded straight away and went straight up the stairs to the upper deck.

The Upper Deck can only be described as Fabulous. There are only 10 rows, 5 in Upper and 5 in Premium. Service was fabulous and the flight became part of the holiday.

I managed to sleep for over 6 hours and was woken by the breakfast service. We landed 30 minutes earlier than expected and so were first off and into the shuttle bus to take us to the Terminal. They held all of the Economy Class passengers back for this and so you wear your shades and think Jacky Collins and just walk fabulously like a real lucky bitch.

We were first off and so were back at the car in no time and then droping Mikey off home I made my way back to unpack and pack again and headed straight to Leeds. My head is spinning from not knowing which time zone I am in, I am tired yet wide awake and have been bombarded with people asking how they can help at Nazeings first Pride this coming Saturday. Its going to be a good month I can tell, even though its only just begun.

Final Night Final Day by the Bay

As the temperature plummeted last night a final meal with Ed seemed about all that we could manage. It seemed to be freezing. We went to a lovely Japanese Trendy restaurant. I do love Japaneese but I am always hungry afterwards. Maybe thats why we woke up by 6AM this morning?


Today is our final day in the city by the Bay. Mikey needs to run back down to Maceys to get return some underwear and get some last minute Tee Shirts and I will head to the Castro to pick up the last of our bits from here. Castro is far more like Covent Garden. Lots of bars, restaurants and Boutiques. Amazingly I still have space in my Suitcase and so can squeeze in a few more christmas gifts I am sure.

At 2PM we will have to make our way to the airport and will be homeward bound by 5. (Fingers crossed).

A huge Thank You to Ed & Jason for letting us stay! Fabulous as always sweetie. Its amazing, after all these years you meet people around the globe that you only get a chance to see once every year or two yet when you do meet up, its just like yesterday all over. Im so lucky (lucky bitch) to have friends all over the world and as Jason said to Mikey earlier, "Come back soon when Neil is on his next adventure in the USA". Of course as we age where thinking Venezuela or Rio may be needed soon, apparently plastic surgery is far cheaper there. Nip or Tuck anyone?

Consumer Society

I guess we really do live in a consumer society now, Mikey and I seem to have done nothing for 3 days but shop, shop and shop some more. We've had a laugh doing it and got some real bargains in the approach to Christmas. I think this is the third year running I have spent over $100 on underwear in one go, but you simply have to wear Calvin Klein dont you?

We had lunch in the roughest part of town meeting Mikeys friend from work in the tenderloin. Even she said that there were crack addicts on every corner so we left sharpish and made our way to Union Square and the big stores we love and trust. Gap, Ambercrombie & Fitch, Bloomingdales, Ruehl (Top end A&F) and hooked up with another of Mikeys friends Eric. Eric lives in London and we ran into him at the mall and did some retail therapy together.

Have got a fair few christmas presents sorted but no idea what to buy Dusan. I have to ship it to Fort Lauderdale. Will shop again tomorrow and find him something suitably fabulous. Tomorrow we plan on hanging out in Castro and doing a final shop and then its home sweet home! All good things have to come to an end eh? Besides, its far too cold here for us!

Lunching, Napping, Shopping

We invited Ed & Jason along to brunch at Tangerine and actually made it through the wintery showers to the restaurant by around noon. The place was packed and after waiting all of 30 seconds, Ed decided HOME! We thought he was mad and wanted to go home, but actually he meant the very fabulous Home Restaurant on Market Street, Castro. Home of the famous, $3 make your own Bloody Mary Bar. Never had a bloody mary with Horseradish in it before. But it was rather scrummy and considering Vodka is made from Potatoes it counts towards two of your five a day fruit and veg right?

We both tucked into Eggs Benedict with Home Fries. Delishious. Why is it something we can rarely get in the UK? Of course with eyes bigger than my Belly, Mikey had to finish half of mine. I can be certain if the Hot Rox dont make me thin, having Mikey eat half my food will.

It must have been either too much food or 2 bloody Mary's but we were home by 130 and laid down on the bed for a quick rest and ended up sleeping nearly 3 lies. You think that was bad? Ed didnt get up till 10PM. At 430 we dressed and made plans for a wet and windy one (Im not just talking Mikey's bottom here). We braced the weather and drove to Oakland for our now infamous Wal Mart Shopping days. We managed to spend over 3 hours in Wal Mart filling our cart with more bargains than TK Max. We laughed till we nearly wet ourselves at some of the things we put in the cart. I mean, why exactly did Mikey want these enormous fluffy white cat shapped ugly foot massaging slipper? Apparently it was for the secret santa gift at work but man are they Ugly!!!! His still laughing now so obviously doesnt like the recipient of that gift eh? Hmmm, maybe thats why I got a pair socks last year! LOL.

Came home, unpacked our bags and headed into Castro for dinner? Its the first trip I feel I have not pilled on the weight! Must be that new Mikey Plan I am on! I call it M Fast! X

Lies & Fine Dining

Woke up this morning and Ed tells me he read my Blog last night. He was laughing at the fact I said "Someone said it was always 65 degree's in San Francisco. Someone Lied". At least he see's the funny side of things.

Last night Mikey and I went to dinner at Asia de Cuba at the Clift Hotel. Wow, what a fantastic meal. It was a gift to Mikey for his birthday and me for Christmas from Alex. One of those places you would never usually go to unless recommended and turns out to be a highlight of the trip. So full of sexy boys, fabulous food and great settings in a turn of the century hotel (Lucky Bitches).

About to go to one of my favourite places for breakfast, Tangerine in the Castro.!

Saturday Shopping

For some reason Ed and Thomas dont get the reason that we come to the United States to shop. We are here for the bargains that can be made shopping at places like Costco & Wal Mart. They would rather be seen in Saks or Luis Vitton just browsing at Items they would never buy or could afford. We couldnt believe that the cost difference for some equivilent to Niteoll here is 50 Times cheaper. We paid $6 for 500! Now thats a bargain!!!!

The afternoon was spent browsing in Castro, enjoying a couple of cocktails in a few bars and just chilling out at home. City breaks certainly are not as relaxing as a beach holiday but with Mikey being part Chinese he cant sit on the beach for long. Actually he cant even drink a glass of wine without turning red. I feel the odd one out with Ed being Filipino, Thomas is from Hong Kong.

On the way back from the store in Thomas's 4X4, Chelsea tractor Ed asked, "Do you guys go to church? Only Jason didnt use to, he was athiest and we went to church and he was praying and hallelujahing like a Gawd Darn Mother F%^%*r! We didnt know if we should laugh or bow our heads in shame. Ed really is Craaazy but you cant help but love him.

Mikey has always made fun of the way my accent changes the minute we touch down on American soil. After 3 years of our annual pilgrimage I think its affecting him too now. Ed came back back from the store and Mikey shouted in Roseanne Bar style accent "Hiiiiiiii Ya'lll". It was so funny hearing Mikey say it. He even said, "If dont talk like that they dont understand me"

Last night we were in a bar and the light was bad. Mikey went to get what he thought was a glass of water from the counter and poured from a thermos flask a cup of cold liquid. His face turned to shock to discover it wasnt water but actually Half & Half cream and milk. It was the free coffee bar.

So somethings never change, we end up laughing a lot when we go away which can only be a good thing dont you agree?

The city by the Bay

Mikey had never been to Twin Peaks and seeing as its a few minutes from Ed's and is one of the highest points in the city with such wonderful panoramic views we headed up there for a our Tourist shots.

We then went with Ed and his friend Thomas into Downtown San Francisco. I have never seen the city so crowded. We went straight to the Rotunda at Neimum Marcus to dine. It was Thomas's birthday and is probably the equivilent of dining at Harvey Nicholls restaurant. We ordered but were told that the restaurants Gas was out and all we could have was Salads. I went into a Lauren from Catherine Tate and did this whole "Are you dissrespecting me, are you saying we are fat and need to eat Salad? Are you calling my mother a prostitute? Does this look like the face of bovvered? Face? Bovvered? Is it because Ed's Filipino?" She just didnt get our humour but we were all wetting oursleves.

Seeing as the streets were so crowded we came back to Castro to have a few drinks and ended up doing Thai for dinner. As the sun went down so did the heat. Thankfully we now have a heater and a second Duvet!

Thanks Giving in San Francisco

After only getting 5 hours of sleep at the Hilton and apparently I watched a movie with Mikey (Why did I drink at Molton Brown?) We made the short walk through terminal four and took the Heathrow express accross to Terminal 3 to check in. We tried our best to use miles to upgrade but they would only let me as Mikeys ticket was a free companion ticket. I bit my lip and decided I could make do in Premium Economy over Upper Class this one time. After all, we were sitting on the upper Deck.

We had this cute gay trolly dolly called Nick looking after us who's boyfriend, a real muscle mary was sat in the front row. We both thought he was rather cute till he got up and walked to the bathroom. He had more mince than Sainsburys. Was cute though. He even bought about 3 pairs of shoes for the flight? Why?

The flight was slightly delayed but we caught up for it on the flight. Mikey and I managed a nap and watched 4 movies each. We saw the Devil wears prada (so funny), The Al Gore Documentary "An Unfortunate Truth", Poisedon ( I really shouldnt watch a movie about a ship sinking at present" and The Queen plus some Catherine Tate. Movies on demand are the greatest thing they invented on a plane.

San Francisco International airport was almost disserted as it was Thanksgiving so within one hour of landing we had cleared Immigration, Customs and were sat in our rental car. How we managed to find our way to Eds with direction in 15 minutes I don't know.

Ed greeted us with his tradional shout of "EDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD" and the house smelled of freshly baked Pumpkin Pie and 20 lbs of Turkey that was still cooking in the oven.

At around 6PM we made the short drive over to Twin Peaks where Ed's friend Thomas lives. I met Thomas last year while dining at Neinum Marcus Rotanda. Oh my Gay God. You would not believe the view as he had floor to ceiling glass on the hill directly above the city (I will try and publish picture). We gorged on Turkey, Stuffing, Beef, Cranberry, Pumpkin Pie and way to much alcohol. Though I think I have taste for Kir Royale (Except he made them with Chambord which even more fabulous! Lucky Bitches).

As 9PM came around what with the 8 hour time difference, Jet Lag and alcohol got the better of us and we made our way back (someone else was thankfully driving) and crashed out at 930 PM. I thought someone said it was always 65 Degrees in San Francisco. Well somebody lied. Even Ed said I wouldnt need a coat. A thermal jacket would be more suitable and only this morning did we realise that there was a second Duvet at the end of the bed and we had shivered under the thin summer one all night.

Its a gorgous sunny morning in San Francisco so time to go and explore the bay and stop at some place that sells gloves, scarf & hat.

He dreams of the Queen

I got home this evening, home being the Hilton Heathrow and found an email from Duan. He said that he had dreamt he met my mother who was Queen Elizabeth. My parents are not that strange of an approachable, I guess he just finds it hard

Molton Brown was a sucess. Loads of good friends and a fun time. You cant beat that. Jason Rosam at his best, and all my good, good friends having fun.

Hope you can make the next one. Love Neil xx

Checked in and Ready to go

Well im now at the Heathrow Hilton. Patsie got us a fabulous deal and in the end who wants to get up at 5AM and have to trek half way across town. So Im here and about to freshen up and head into the west end via tube to host another of my mow infamous Molton Brown Gentlemens Evenings. The great thing about checking in early is I can actually have a drink at my own party!

I have no idea who will show up, but it should be a lot of fun and then Mikey and I will make our way back here via tube for the final countdown to San Francisco.

Missing Him Missing Me

Had my weekly call from Dusan which cheered me up no end. His telling me how depressed he is becoming on the ship and how he doesnt enjoy it. Two people missing each other is the worst thing in the world.

We talked for ages and I did mention that DTPM's Birthday party that he said he would be back for is actually in March this year. :-) The 21st of March to be precice so he said he will be back by the 19th. At least we have an end point in site now.

If only he would come back early, he can make just as much money here as he does on that ship. But its what his got to do.

Aside from that, I have packed my case and am ready for my Molton Brown Gentlemens evening tomorrow (Next one is in spring).

Mikey and I always book into a Heathrow hotel the night before. It makes the holiday longer and the excitement mounts quicker.

So San Francisco here we come. Dusan baby, hang in there, its under five months now and we will be together for ever more!

New Fridge Freezer

Phew. You never know whats on your door step until you need it eh? Well it appears that there is a whole kitchen show room just down the road from me. So I went in and said I need one of these and by the way doesnt my cousin Denham work here? Well just by saying Denhams name I got 30 quid off.

It will be delivered tomorrow! If I get a super contract I deffinitely want the double American style one with ice dispencer. But until then Ill at least have a new Fridge Freezer.

Whos gonna be the wife?

Dusan and I have often asked, who will be the wife? I guess I have proved it, its me, im pathetic.

The Fridge Freezer is beyond me. It has always been tempremental. But First the Fridge went then the Freezeer, so its dead. Now I've looked and looked looked online but then there is the big old problem that it has to fit in exactly the right space. I cant work out what will fit where. And online it says about colours and stuff, all I want is a cold pint of milk in the morning.

I bet Dusan would know exactly what to do. I just feel lost and helpless and pathethic. So I guess I am the wife and I want my husband home to help fix things.

Missing him

I just cant get him out of my head! Which is a good thing, I am sure, I just miss him so much, especially now, at weekends, when you most want to be snuggling up to the main that you love. To cuddle on a cold winters morning, to spend the last breat you utter each night saying goognight and waking up and saying goodmorning to that person you love from the bottom of your heart. Thats what I want, my Good Night and Good morning. Nothing more, nothing less, just that. Goodnight. x

Learning Croatian and working out

I must have needed the sleep as I slept from midnight to 1PM. Oops. I don’t mind having a lazy one like that when I have a 5AM start tomorrow. I’m never good at early starts but it’s even worse in the winter. Still one has to make a living and at least I don’t have to do that stupid hour every day.

Finally it’s the 15th and I can pay myself anytime after the 15th so did all of my accounting this afternoon then forced myself to the gym again. My new program today included 20 minutes cross training, 20 minutes Running, 20 Minutes Stair Climbing and some upper body weights. I have to be slim by the wedding right?

I found a website that translates English to Croatian so sent Dusan an Email in Croatian. Will do the same with this blog. Its not an easy language to learn but I am working on 10 phrases per week.

This weeks include my name is… and Do you speak English? Its such a hard language. But I will give it a go so I can at least say something’s to him in his native tongue.

Came home, had an nice Email back from him. He gets moved to one of Carnivals biggest ships tomorrow. I wish I could afford to take a cruise and surprise him. Hey Ho.

Im up at five AM so off to bed now. Sweet dreams and roll on San Francisco in a weeks time.



Moram reći imati koji je potreban da bi se san kao JA slept from ponoć to 1PM. Oops. JA don’t imati što protiv vlasništvo lijen neki ovakav našto Imam 5AM početak sutra. I’m nikada dobar at ranije početak ali it’s ravan pogoršana in zima. Pa ipak neki je to izdržavati se i barem JA don’t morati to učiniti omamljen sat svaki dan. Napokon it’s 15th i Ja mogu plaća ja osobno bilo kada nakon 15th na taj način je svi od moj računovodstvo ovaj poslijepodne onda prisilan ja osobno to kratica za GYMNASIUM opet. Moj nov plan danas sadržano 20 minuta prijeći odgajanje , 20 minuta Trčanje , 20 Minuta Stepenica Ispinjanje i neki gornji tijelo povećati težinu primjesama. Imam biti postati vitak mimo vjenčanje pravo? JA postaviti website taj prevodi Engleski jezik to Hrvatski na taj način rečenica Dusan Elektronička pošta in Hrvatski. Htijenje obaviti jednak sa ovaj blog. Svoj ne lahak jezik naučiti ali Ja sam rad na 10 fraza na tjedan. Ovaj tjedni uključiti Ime mi je is… i Govorite li engleski? Svoj kao što je tvrdo jezik. Ali JA htijenje popuštanje Internet ići na taj način Ja mogu barem ono što je kazano nešto to njemu u njegovoj urođenik jezik. Je došao home , je izbirljiv Elektronička pošta leđa from njemu. On dobiva ganut to neki od Karneval veći u najboljem redu sutra. JA priželjkivanje JA mogao priuštiti uzeti krstariti i iznenađenje njemu. Hej Ho. Im gore at pet AM na taj način od to krevet zatim. Sladak san i nastaviti se San Franjevački in tjedni vrijeme.: )

Body Workout

After an absense of several months, I hadnt been back to the gym since Dusan arrived in August I have been making a concsious effort to go more often. Last week I had my work out program re written and now am aiming to do all three work outs in one week. All three include Cardio and Weights and yesterday was lower body, legs and back. Today will be Arms & Chest! Want to be that much fitter by the time Baby comes back and who doesnt want to look good in a nice tight white tee shirt?

Came back via Sainsburys and bought as much fresh and healthy food as I could, only to find that the the Fridge has died. Its a combined Fridge Freezer and only the Fridge Part is no longer cool but rather warming. I have switched the food into Freezer compartments but now I have to buy another Fridge Freezer ASAP. Its not easy owning a house is it? Im used to something breaking and you call the land lord. Hey Ho.

Not heard from Dusan in five days, guess they must be working him hard. Back to work tomorrow and been getting Christmas presents sorted this week. I have a feeling the next month will simply fly by. Dont you?

City Bankers

Had another day at the Bank today working on the trading floors of Canary Wharf. Officially I am there to offer support on a Go Live day with the new Dealer Boards but in reality I get there, show up and all the full time staff go home leaving the contractors to cover. We wander around and ask everyone if they have any queeries or need any help but in the end you can only ask them so much. The day goes by so slowly when you have little to do. Thankfully I wasnt alone or it would have been really grueling. I guess a lot of people would think, you get paid for doing nothing, Lucky Bitch.

At lunch time I went out to try and find a new pair of shoes but figured that Jones the Boot Marker would have a sale any day now! Hmm, so need some new shoes. Am I sounding like Carrie Bradshaw now? Hmmm, maybe thats a good thing?

Post Sam Vangeen's Birthday Party

Gary had kindly offered to let me stay over at his so that I could at least enjoy a drink and not worry about having to Park. I had arranged to meet Marcello for lunch in Soho and and so made my way to Gary's for about 530PM. We had been supposed to be at Sam's flat for 7PM for a pre party cocktail. However Public transport wasnt in our favour. I knew there was a reason I always like to take the car. We waited forever for a bus and again forever for a train but finally got there at 745PM. Half of the gang was there, Sam, Ben, Amanda, RJ, Mikey, Steve, Fifi & Vinnie and Big Dick who co hosts with Julian on Saturdays plus a whole load of other people i recognised from events over the summer. Sam introduced me to Richard and it was one of those moments where I didnt realise who it was at first. Then once we got down to the bar at 815 I realised immediately. He was the friend of Julian Bennet who was in my Hotel room during Euro Pride. I knew I never forget a face.

Several Magners later we were all a little festive and they soon ran out of Magners (How very dare they!) so had to switch to Beer. How Calorific.

Sometimes the best of plans go to pot, we had bought travelcards and so had planned on catching the last train back into London. When I next looked at my watch and several glasses of Champagne later it was already 130AM. Ooops, no more last train eh?

We ended up chatting and chilling with everyone until gone 630AM and got a taxi back to Clapham. By the time we finally got into bed it was gone 8AM. I thought I was going to have a nice quiet evening out but ended up just as mad as always. It was great to see everyone again and as always, Roaming Reporter RJ for poo on a Stick news reporting back for the nation. The things we do when we are drunk.

Fabulous night out, and one that I will probably be catching up on sleep over for a fair few days yet. Well life is for living right? Just wish my babycakes could have been there to enjoy it with me. It doesnt matter where I am he is always in my heart and mind. I guess that is proof that no distance in time or space can lesson the love of two sealed at the heart.

Pre Sam Vangeen's Birthday

Stayed home last night and had a night of movies and chilling. Well its so cold you really dont wanna be facing the west end in this weather.

Today however is a fuller one. I am meeting Marcello for lunch in town later then meeting Gary around tea time before making our way to Sam's to help celebrate her Birthday. Happy Birthday Sam.

Seems like everyone has a birthday coming up at the moment, right before Christmas too. Guess that you cant choose the day that you were born eh?

10:30 last night Dusan had a 15 minute break and gave me a call. He will found out on Wednesday when he finishes his studying on the College Ship with Carnaval where he will be posted for the next 5 months. Whether its the same ship or if he will be moved to somewhere else on the Carnaval fleet. Hopefully once we know that we can plan a place to meet before he returns in April. Fingers Crossed. April does seem such a long long way away.

Have a fab Birthday Sam and see you later. x

Christmas is our very favourite time of the year

I have to confess, that the line from the song a family I knew in Utah used to sing, "Christmas is my very faveourite time of the year" is one of my faveourite Christmas songs of all time. Emily has never even heard a recording of it but has practically learnt the entire song over the last five years. We look forward to Gingerbread Lattes at Starbucks and our festive Sing Song.

But for some reason I dont really enjoy Christmas. Its like the one time of year that I feel more like an outcast than anything. This year more so than ever as my baby will be away.

I have had several offers for Christmas so dont know where I will be spending it just yet, I just wish I was spending it with you know who.

Next year eh?

Its official, I am the first house in the close to have my Christmas tree up and illuminated. Well if its good enough for Oxford Street its good enough for me. Thats what I say!

Back to the Gym

After a very lazy weekend and hardly leaving the house I promised I would make a start on cleaning out all the toot I have aquired over the past year and have nearly finished sorting the office ready for a spare room bed to be delivered.

After an afternoon of endless phone calls I finally made it back to the gym after nearly a month away. Well you cant go when you are full of cold now can you? I managed to do an hour of various cardio machines and have booked myself in tomorrow to have a new weights program put together to start on the toning again. I want to be firmer by the time I see Dusan again.

Talking of Dusan, I wasnt expecting a call today but at 11:00PM the land line went and it was him. He was on a short break and took the chance to call. His nearly finished his training and got 97% on his exam today. So proud of him. It was a crackly line and I said something along the lines of BA will be lucky to have you as crew. He miss heard and said "I dont care how much Carnaval like me, they are not having me for more than another 5 months". I know his promised he wont go back again but hearing him say it made me smile so much. I cant tell you how much I miss him in words. His really one in a billion and I hate the fact that his so far away. Thank goodness I have my friends who are keeping me busy. We will find out next week which ship he will be moved to and where his sailing to and at least then we can plan a meet up sometime in the new year.

So an early (ish) night for me tonight so I am ready for my new super muscle building program tomorrow at the gym.

Also heard from my friend Barrie today. Not seen him since Brighton Pride and his coming over later this week for a Disney Day. :-)

I cant believe its so close to Christmas. I have only bought 5 gifts so far. Better start going shopping soon eh?

Sweet Dreams. I know who i'll be dreaming of. x

Love is finding the one

I had a lazy duvet day today. Was just so cold that I couldnt face going all the way into the Capital. So I stayed at home, surfed, watched television and had a nice lazy day.

Around 11:20 I was surprised when the landline suddenly rang. I answered and it was the familiar voice of "Hello Moto" Dusan always says that when I answer the telephone.

I dont know if he has any idea how much he melts my heart or how much I really miss him. I think tonight, in our conversation that I realised that me misses me just as much. I cant believe that he is working for free on the ship for 3 weeks while his learning on7 the college ship. Only 2 more weeks and his earning again.

Only 2 weeks since he left, amazing it feels forever and yet in a small way has gone by preety fast. Its the home stretch now. We are both looking forward to growing old together and spending the rest of our lives as one. I guess that really is why they call them your other half. Without my other half I dont feel 100%, its like something, a part of me is missing. Not for long now. Roll on my birthday. Cant wait to see him again. Till then we have Nazeing Pride & Christmas and then before you know it will be 2007. Only 56 days till new years eve. Can you believe it?

Nazeing Pride Announced

After almost a year of talking about it Nazeings First Pride was announced this week. Why should all the big cities be the only ones to have fun. Saturday December 2nd should make it the latest and smallest pride on the planet. Hosted by yours truly. For further details email the Cowboy. It seems appropriate, especially while David is staying, that makes 4 gays in the village. Well 3, cos Jamie is just a little bit poofy. He even says that to me! Neil's Homo Warming / Nazeing Pride, Saturday December 2nd, 2006.

Fireworks in Surrey Quays

The one thing that I can never get to grips with is DIY. Its like Adam & Dad got all of the good jeans when it comes to practical tasks like putting up a shelf or a cupboard or something. So I had to ask Adam to come over and put up my new bathroom cabinet that Richard had constructed last weekend. Its now hung nicely on the bathroom wall.

I then changed and drove over to Richard and Marks (The Leather Queens) whom were hosting their 3rd Annual Garden Firework party. The usual crew were there including Stuart (that's the badger) and all our first meeting with Stuart's new boyfriend Tong Ting, oh sorry, wrong mail order bride. It was Scott. He seems really lovely. I was a little confused is his name Scott the Scot? Or do they just call him Scott cos his from Scotland? (Just kidding).

We sat outside and watched the fireworks to many any ooh and an ahhh. One even set off a car alarm then we all cramped around the Chimnea constantly throwing on more wood in order to keep warm on a night where the temperatures were down to just above freezing point.

Made the journey home and had a lovely Email from my Baby Dusan (Miss you so much and you are always in my heart baby) and about to go to bed. Think I will have a lazy weekend and finish the office! Happy Guy Fawkes Night.

Dear Friends and Lover

Having woke up at the unearthly hour of 0600 this morning due to the fact that it was so blooming cold. It was the first night that the weather really turned. I mistakenly let the heat turn off and woke up freezing despite my Harrods Goose Down Duvet (Lucky Bitch). It was a gift from my friend Lee, Thank you Lee. I swap it over as my winter Duvet and even with it I was cold. Still whacked the heating up to 20 Degrees and I slept like a baby till just before noon.

I had the whole day off and had arranged to meet two of my dearest friends, Gill & Lisa. Seeing as I was seeing Gill in the evening, why not kill 2 birds with one stone and see them both in the same night. I also got to see my lovely God Daughter whos not really my God Daughter Megan. She was dying for me to meet her boyfriend Damian who didnt look that different from Dusan when he was Damian's age.

Was great to catch up with Lisa and Amazingly Zacherie, her 2 and a half year old son was asleep much of the time. When he woke, despite much crying he cheered up and I even got a kiss goodbye from him. His such a darling and only 2 years 6 months and already about 3 feet tall. How tall will he end up?

Left Lisa's just after 630 and made my way to Gills just up the road and spent the evening chatting and watching Cathering Tate on TV. As Gill and I have often said in the six years we have been close friends, we will always have Prague and each other. I think you can safely say that when I left we were both smiling much more. Love you Gill, Love you Lisa. So nice to see you both again and glad you can both make it to Nazeing Pride Event.

Have not yet asked my mother if she will be honary patron of the event. But its thanks to her and Dad that I am the unique individual I am.

When I got in had a text from Jaffa Joe in Brighton and talked for half an hour. I said to him I sometimes dont understand why everyone thinks I am so fabulous. I am after all, just me. He said "And thats why we all love you, you are just that, Just you. Nothing more, nothing less. Simply Fabulous?" Maybe Dusan & I should change our surname to Fabulous? What do you think?

Yes I have decided to host Nazeing Pride. It was Gary H's Idea. He said that the best thing I could do to cheer myself up would be to get stuck into organising something I have said I would do for a long time. Nazeing Pride. Why should the big cities be the only ones to have all of the fun? So I have got stuck in and it will happen the first Saturday of December. If you want an invite get in touch.

Finally, I just checked my email and had a lovely Email from Dusan. I know it sounds pathetic but just getting an Email or a telephone call cheers me up no end. Its not easy being away from the man you love. As Gill said they call them your Other Half because without them you are lost or incomplete. I really do feel like I have a piece of missing while his not here.

Tomorrow I will hopefully see Gary & the Leather Queens Annual Big Bang (Firework) Party.

Sweet Dreams and Keep Warm

Neil, the Vauxhallcowboy x

Weekly Fix

My weekly call from Dusan came tonight. Its amazing, its the one thing that is guaranteed to put a smile on my face. He is doing really well and passing his exams and waiting for his next ship assignment. He promises he will be back to celebrate my Birthday and DTPMs Birthday in April. It just seems so far away but the countdown is on and by the time Christmas is over it will be coming around much faster. :-)

If he had managed to get a B2 Visa we could have taken a week in Florida at some stage but the Emabassy only have him a Cruise Ship visa so its all messed up.

So I am smiling as I get ready for an early night. My weekly fix always has me smiling. Come back soon baby! X

Halloween

Richard and I drove back so he could get his train back home to Bristol on Friday evening and then I made my way to Marcus's before going to DTPM with Steve & Woody for Steve's birthday.

We had all forgotten it was Halloween and the place was filled with stunning boys and Halloween decor. Left around 4AM and came home to find David had arrived for a weeks stay.

Chilled on the sofa for a while as David was getting ready for work and then just had a real lazy day. Made Chicken Tonight and Fresh Veggies, opened a bottle of Chardonnay and was showered and in bed before 10PM for an early night.

This morning, Halloween, I woke at 130AM and then again at 3AM. Once I am awake and know I have to be up in just an hour or so I can never get back to sleep. So gonna jump in the shower now, freshen up and get to the office extreemly early.

Happy Halloween. Neil x

9 Years Strong

It was 9 years ago today that Ant and I first met. It was the begining of my coming out. We met at the coming out group Turning Point in Kings Cross, London, at 730PM on this very evening. So Happy Anniversary Antony. From those humble beginings at Turning Point, so much happened. It really was the turing point in my life. The moment who I admitted whom I was and most will say the moment that I started to be truly happy.

Two weeks after joining Turning Point I had my first boyfriend that would end up in a 2 and a half year relationship. I didnt realise until Ant reminded me that it was today that so much had changed at that pinacle point in my life.

Antony has known me nine long years, his seen me grow from being a shy and insecure closet person into the being of fabulouness that I am today. We recently sat down and had a conversation while he was visiting my house. He said, You have changed so much. We laughed and we cried. It has been an incredible journey.

Amazing to think that 9 years ago I hadnt even told my parents I was gay and now I am planning a gay wedding. (Civil Partnership).

Happy Anniversary and horrah for coming out. It was the best thing that ever happened to me, (aside Dusan).
Right off to DTPM! Sweet Dreams.

,

RIchard, Ikea and friends

Richard arrived at 715PM last night and we came home to chill and watch movies and dinner. I think we drank a little too much and watched 2 movies until 3AM. This meant that we slept in until 1PM this afternoon. Oops, so much for spending the whole day shopping and working on the room.

We did buy a load of furniture that we have half assembled before we had to go to a 40th Birthday Party with the Gaydar Gang. Jamie was celebrating his big 40 with a party in a Bar in Battersea which provided great music and some really nice people.

We have now to get up early and do the entire office in a day! Oh well, Rome wasnt built in a day and I guess my office wont be either.

Came home and had a nice Email from Dusan who has been busy working and studying for a big exam tomorrow. One week down, but at least the countdown has begun.

So many things to look forward to. San Francisco and visiting Ed, Christmas festivites and my baby coming back and then a lifetime of happy memories to share.

I've made so many new good friends this year that you find it hard to squeeze them all in and this past week I have had some real quality me time. Big project to complete with the office this week and now that the colds finally on the way out back to the gym with a vengence.

Oh and the clocks changed tonight, just incase you forgot. Sweet dreams. x

A weekend with Dick

Well not quite Dick but my dear friend Richard is coming up from Bristol for the weekend to help me sort my spare room. I'm just useless at organising and his an expert and we will get to enjoy a weekend of DVDs and stupid talk plus a bottle of wine or 2. I have to pick him up at Paddington later because apparently he cant find his way onto a tube network without an escort. He also called to ask if they would let him into Essex without any Burbury as he hadnt packed any.

I have been frantically running around cleaning and putting things away for his arrival. What is it with Gay Men. You can leave the house in a mess when its just you but the minute someone comes over you have to have the place look like a showroom. Really looking forward to seeing him and having a long catch up.

We also have 2 Halloween parties this weekend and its Steve's Birthday @ DTPM. A busy weekend is just what I need. Missing Dusan more by the day. As my friend Elaine said, 6 months flies by when you are not missing someone, when you are they drag.

We have been told we need to go in fancy dress to one of the halloween parties. I am so tempted to wear my Ivana heals.

Ill be sure to take the camera whatever happends.

Have a fab weekend! Neil x

Missing Pointers

Ive been so caught up in emotion that I forgot to keep up to date with song, weather etc.

Sorry, cant stop crying at the moment. Ive never been good at saying goodbye and with Dusan its like ten fold. Bear with me please.

Weather : Cold, bloody cold and wet
Song : Phil Colins, Take a look at me now. Cos if you listen to the lyrics you will know.

" Take a look at me now, cos there's just an empty space and though you coming back to me is again the odd's its a chance I've got to take".

I dont doubt his coming back... I know he is. I just miss him so much I want to go into hybernation till spring and not wake up. If I didnt feel like this would it would be wrong, right? I so miss him its not real. Thank god for Hot Rox, my new Fat burning pills, (I've lost 18lbs), else i'd get fat i've become so lazy.

Lazy Days & Robbie Williams

I am finally feeling lazy. After a month of exhausting 5AM starts and traveling for up to five hours per day I have a week off to do nothing but chill and a few chores. Today I touched up the painting in the bedroom that I had missed when I did it pre Dusan arriving. So thats finished. :-) Also went back to the gym for the first time in 2 months. (Since Dusan arrived). Been so busy with other things I've been too tired to go when I get in from work. I thinK I will join the gym near the station. At least that way if I am going to work I can take my gym stuff, leave it in the car and go after work. Besides, I dont wish to be snobby but I am through with Harlow Sports Centre. A year of going and not had a single person talk to me? I was a member of the YMCA for 8 years and knew nearly every single member. Half my friends were from the Y. Really hope I can move back to London in the next year and can start going back to the Y.

Received Robbie Williams new CD, Rudebox, in the post today. A million thanks the guy that sent it. His Fabulous, gorgous and the nicest friend you could ever ask for. I cant believe I have only been friends for such a short time and yet his one of my best friends. Thanks babes. Love you. Looking forward to seeing you this weekend.

Missing Dusan loads today. I cant even do his name correctly in Microsoft Word. It should be Dušan but I cant figure out how to do the S with the accent that makes it sound SH instead of S. His name is pronounced DoushSian. In Zagreb we walked past a Post office called "Poste" but with the accent its Poshte. I have also bought a Learn Croatian CD ROM. Its so hard but I will make an effort. He keeps asking me why but dont you think its important to understand some of your husbands language?

Came home from the Gym and sainsburys (Why does a weekly shop for one cost £65?) and just chilled. Oh and the paint touch up. Probably wont sleep tonight as I was awake at 6AM and then slept from 10 till 4PM. Opps. Well its the joys of a week off eh?

Sweet dreams for now and Babycakes, come back soon, please. I dont think I can last 6 Months. XXX Neil

Smiling again

Was out looking at new mobile phones today when my phone went off. It just said Call and I dont often answer numbers that I don’t know the caller so I let it go to voice mail. Can you believe it was Dusan. He left me a voice mail saying


Its Dusan, I don’t have a number you can call me on but will call you again later. I miss you and love you more each day"

It was weird, I was sad that I had missed his call but it made me smile that he had called and was thinking of me.

Marcus Chops then came home with me for Fajitas dinner and a chat. He hadn't left long when the phone went again. It was Dusan. He only had 4 minutes of credit and calling a mobile phone from a ship at sea is not a cheap call. He was telling me how much he missed me and how its getting harder day by day and that he definitely will not be staying the full six months. I cant wait for him to be back and as he said this evening we are just counting down the days till we spend the rest of our lives together. Sometimes its easy to forget how lucky I really am (Lucky Bitch). Such loving friends, so many fantastic things that we get to do and see and the most beautiful man in the world coming back to live with and enjoy the rest of our lives together. Something that I only dreamed of not so long ago and now is a reality.

Went to see my Nan, Lil, yesterday. She is dead excited and said she is just so pleased I have someone to share my life with. Not as pleased as I am.

Dusan had to run as he had a class commencing but wanted me to send everyone his love and let you know he will be back real soon.

Big love for now

Neil

Escape to Brighton

After Lisa messed up the dates for our Brighton reunion I decided to take the lovely Jaffa Joe up on his offer to let me go and stay down for the weekend and spend some time together. I've been really fragile of late and somehow the pinacle moment was Dusan's final leaving for Miami. Joe & I met up last night in Brighton, went for dinner at a lovely Chinese restuarant and then came back to his appartment and just chilled out. My big old Gay Familiy, there to ever support us in times of strife and Woah.

We had a bizare evening, enjoying drinks and just chilling and chatting. Joes apartment has bay windows over looking the street and a lady who'm used to live there stopped and said hello. Before you knew it Big Hearted Joe had invited them up to see what he done to the place. We had a wee party all of our own.

Finally getting to sleep I woke to several messages from Gary wishing us his best and a single message from Dusan that I have to write for it made me smile. "Hey Babycakes, On the airport now. Hope u r well. Want to let u know that I am thinking about you all the time and I will always do. All My Love Dusan

His finally gone, I recieved a text to say that his safely in Miami and will call soon. Somehow counting down to his return is far easier now that the countdown has finally begun. Be safe babycakes. I love you.

Never can say goodbye

I was not the best of company this evening as I I met Emily and made our way to the theatre to watch the Londons Gay Mens Chorus perform. As is the best of entertainment, it should make you ponder, think and take time to appreciate.

The GMC were amazing as always, as was the very sexy Joffrey, but I had to rush home so that I could make that most importantant call to Dusan.

Saying goodbye, farewell was the hardest thing I have ever done. Neither of us wanting to put down the phone but now its done. He will leave for Miami in the Morning and when he returns we will have the rest of our lives to share together. Zo hurry back Dusan, Im waiting for you babycakes. xxxx

Loosing it

I just dont understand.

I should be happpy, but I am sad. The man I love is coming back to Marry Me. But I feel rotten. Awful, Nasty. Its like a big come down that I cant get out of. I used to be the life a soul a party. I was fabulous but now i am withered. I n. Seed to find a way back to being fabulous. Gary hit the nail on the head. I need to throw Nazeing Pride. A house warming. To make me ralise that I can do stuff on my own again. How can you go from being the boss and running the show to sitting in the back seats. Its time I did something and said "This is me - Come Celebrate". So I thihnk that the project has to be Nazeing Pride.

A housewarming event that will make me feel more at home than out of water and alive again.

I was supposed to go and spend this weekend with Lisa and Karina in Brigton but Lisa got the dates wrong so it looks like Vauxhallcowboy & Jaffa Joe will have to go it Solo. Lets throw a party, lets start planning and make it happen. I know this is not the Neil that you all know and love. I'm just stuck in a place with no sense of direction at the moment.

So ill plan a party, a celebration of life and get back to what I do best, living life to its fullest.

The funniest thing is, I met Marcus yesterday and even though I was feeling like poo, he and I have always lived life. Life life for the moment. Make every second count. Enjoy every moment. Right now I am not, I am sad and hurt and fragile and I want that to change. Ive had depression before and right now I can feel I am spiralling out of control downwards. Time to stop, be fabulous and create something taht will make the world think, yeah thats our Neil.

So bear with me guys and I think I know what i have to do. Plan this Party and start living again. Now where do I begin? Marqees at Argos etc... Ill be back with a bang.

Times nearly up

With just 3 days until Dusan takes his plane to Miami to join the ship, the countdown to him going will be up and the new one till he returns begins. I guess I will feel better when his finally gone as I know that the final countdown will have commenced. Right now I feel like we are both stuck in a void. I cant visit him as have work commitments, he needs to get ready and packed for 6 months away and we are both apart from one another.

Hopefully he will be back in the blink of an eye and in the mean time I hope I will find the strength to be strong and happy and back to the good old fabulous me. Its just that I don’t feel so fabulous at the moment. Maybe I should book a week in the Sun. I’ve not had a proper holiday since May. Maybe that’s the badger (as Stuart would say).

With the clocks about to change and winter looming in, I think I need a new project to get me going and re invigorate me. I’m open to suggestions anyone?

Lazy Weekend

Had a really lazy weekend.

Friday I just came home from work and chilled and ironically after wanting a lie in and going to bed at 1AM I was awake at 5AM. Guess my body clock was used to the early mornings.

Im back on my Hot Rox. The fat burning pills i get from the USA. I have been on them for 3 months since March. Each alternative Month. In totally I have lost 20LBS and I havnt been going to the gym. The great thing is that they are so full of Caffein they make you wake up in five mins so if nothing else they would be a great wake up pill. Even better, my Doctor said that if I didnt do it all the time there was no harm in taking them. :-) Considering they work I am happy.

Saturday afternoon I went over to see Mikey and Alex. It was their anniversary and good to see Alex again after so long. We went for dinner at Papagenios in Covent Garden. A spin off of Soratros in Covent Garden. An opera themed restaurant. Sadly, unlike the original, this new, larger store was so packed that the service was appaling. It was a set meal but even then it took them over 2 hours to bring us our entres and the starters were on the table when we sat down. Not good. Definitely wouldnt reccomend this one but the original is fabulous.

Was so tired after dinner I came right home and had an early night.

Sunday, Neil Sexton and I were due to go to DTPM. I was so tired Sunday I had to bail and spent the evening at home. I was so tired I fell asleep on the couch at 630 pm till 11PM then again from 3AM till 10AM. I must have needed the sleep and feel so much better for it now.

Another lazy day today with just some shopping and paperwork. Had a text from Dusan which made me smile. Miss him so much I really dont feel myself at the moment. Hopefully will see him soon. Back to work tomorrow, another 5AM start then full day of training. Thankfully I enjoy my job. If I didnt it would be such a chore.

Sweet dreams. Neil VC X

Smiling now

Having felt like poo since I got back from Croatia on Tuesday and missing Dusan more by the day I finally have a smile on my face this evening.

I have just spoken to him and he sometime says the sweetest of things that make me smile. I said how much I will miss him when his on the cruise and how I really dont want him to go and he said, "I may be gone for a few months but we will still be together by Email & Text and then when I return we will be together for the rest of our lives". Call me poof but it almost bought a tear to my eye.

Never thought in a Million years I would feel like this and finally have found the most amazing person to share my life with. Someone so special I want to make sacrafices for him and someone that makes me melt inside. I feel a far cry from how I felt last night and in his few words in that sentence I feel like I am once again a Lucky Bitch. Dusan's lucky bitch! (In his words, "I dont think so love".:-)x

Seasonal Changes

Had to be up at 5AM to beat the traffic this morning but woke at 345 and couldn’t get to sleep again so got up at 4:00, made 2 very large coffee’s and then left at 545AM. Got into the car and Leanne Rhymes’s “How do I live without you” was playing on the radio. Didn’t I just mention that song a few weeks ago and how it plays on my mind time and time again. That and carpenters “Cant smile without you”. But I know I have to be strong.

Leaving the house that early I couldn’t believe how cold it was. Had to sit in the car for ten minutes till it defrosted and I’ve had my heating on already. Apparently the clocks change in a week or so and the winter will really be setting in.

Coming home took me 2.5 Hours. Time for a new job me thinks. Even the train to London is never that bad.

I seem to have lost my appetite too. Cant seem to stomach food. Guess that can only be good on the waistband but none the less. Is it too much to wish that he wouldn’t go on the cruise? I guess it is. I wouldn’t want anyone to hold me back from any of my life ambitions and for that reason I have to let him go. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt but its what I have to do for him. But I wont let him go without at least telling him how I feel.

This is supposed to be a happy blog. Sorry. I guess I need something to make me feel a Lucky Bitch again eh? X

Missing you already

Got home and amazing at it seems its only been 18 hours since we said goodble. I called him and we talked about how much we miss each other etc.

I said how much I felt lost and sad without him and how I wished he would quit the cruise ship and come and move in with me. He saida, "Dont just expect me not to". How I can dream and wish it was that way.

See you soon baby.

All my love

Neil x

10:37 AM – Zagreb International Airport, Croatia

The hardest part is now over. We sat and chilled on the sofa for the last 30 minutes, neither saying very much, neither able to. Both of us our stomach’s churning and feeling sick. But this is different, its not a stomach pain that is turning over, its pain coming from higher, from the heart.

We packed up our final belongings and made our way to the elevator, pausing momentarily to say our final goodbyes in privacy. Its so different from London here. I guess we don’t realise what Lucky Bitches we really are to be able to walk through the streets of Soho holding hands, showing emotion. To be able to kiss your lover goodbye in the street in front of prying eyes. London is so cosmopolitan in 2006 it hardly turns a head to see 2 men or 2 women cuddling, kissing or showing emotion in public. In Croatia it’s so different. Walking down the street you can show nothing, just hold you head high and keep going. Don’t dare to stick out. Its just not the understanding and accepting place that London has boldly become.

We checked out of the hotel and made our way to Concierge to get a taxi to the airport. As he hailed the taxi we took the moment to embrace. To hold one another in each arms as tightly as one can and to say those words once more “I love you”, “I love you too”. And with that I passed him a small piece of my heart and he a piece of mine, so here it be, the two of us will never be whole until we are back in one another’s arms.

I should be happy, after all, we are now committed to one another. Not just for the next few years but for a lifetime of memories together.

Last night he was asking about Disney World and I couldn’t help but think of the times Debbie Polando and I used to sing ‘A whole new World’, so I sang it to him.

“I can show you the world, Shining shimmering splendid
Tell me Dusan, when did you last let your heart decide
I can open your eyes, take you wonder by wonder
Over sideways and under on a magic carpet ride
A whole new world, a dazzling place you never knew
And now from way up here, its crystal clear,
Now I’m in a whole new world with you’.

I think the last line is the most important. I no longer see myself as a single entity. I see it as being us. I no longer sign off just Neil, its Neil & Dusan. I no longer make plans for my future but for our future.

I am now sat in the VIP lounge at the airport. Thank goodness for membership. I can sit and grief alone in the privacy of the lounge and at least the booze is free in here 

Once more the wait is on but this time its different. It’s the final countdown. When we see each other again it will be to get the Visa so he can come and make plans to Civil Partnership. From then on, its he & I. My baby and me. I’ve only just said goodbye 30 minutes ago and already I miss him. Come back soon baby, come back soon. All my love, Neil x

October 10th 2006, Zagreb, Croatia

As the hours and minutes fast run out it’s a bit like watching those last precious moments in an hour glass. There seems to be a fair bit left and then before you know it its at the final grain and the time is up.

I hardly slept last night. How could I be expected to sleep when I knew that the minute I got up would be time to say goodbye. Dusan was much the same. Rolling over and cuddling all night long knowing that the time was nearly nigh.

He has promised that 6 months will be the longest duration he will be gone and that he will be back to help me celebrate my next birthday in April. Something that I cling to as my light at the end of the tunnel.

Now that its common knowledge and its official, I have to tell my parents. He said that he will find it easy as his mother will be sure to spot the engagement ring. He lives with her though while staying in Croatia. Mine on the other hand I will have to pluck up the courage to visit them and tell them what I think is exciting news. But you never know how they will really take it. I have faith. As Dusan said his mother will say, “If your happy son then I am happy”.

All that I know is that love is one of the most powerful of emotions and that this love will prevail. It will get stronger and although the forthcoming months will be difficult without him here the wait will be worth it in the end. Absence makes the heart grow oh so much stronger. Today he told me that he loved me more today than he has ever done and yet has loved me from the moment we started to date back in Feb 2003.

So for now there are two difficult tasks still lying ahead, saying goodbye within the next hour and telling our parents when we return home. I’m not sure which will be the most difficult but I know which will hurt the most.